You’re Cordially Invited to Select a Gift From This Impeccably Curated Wedding Registry
I am definitely not in need of another Old Testament bible
Salutations family,
On this year’s Summer Solstice, I shall wed my esteemed colleague and best friend, Dr. Bram. She is my everything, my sun, my High Priestess! And though that pet name of mine has engendered some concerns regarding if the family is expected to call her High Priestess as well, worry not father! You may continue addressing her more casually, as Dr. Bram.
Indubitably you all received and read the thirteen-page document outlining what to expect at my upcoming Pagan-inspired nuptials, so this feminal pastel of Marie Antoinette reposing amid desserts eCard serves more as an amusing informality. Please forgive this rather obvious saying, but I look forward to bellowing “Let them eat cake!” at my wedding on June 21st.
Indeed a shock spread through the family when I announced my decision to participate in the antiquated practice of marriage, as you surely recollect my stance that marriage is seldom an equal partnership due to patriarchy, which is exactly why I’ve dodged the seemingly random men named Peter and Dick and WhatsHisName that Granny Mae has thrown my way. Sorry your matchmaking was for naught, Granny!
This brings me to a most sensitive topic. Much like men, the gifts I’ve received over the years have been incompatible to my tastes and I’ve spent many a worried nights wondering how to unburden my family with selecting gifts that satisfy both myself and Dr. Bram.
I want you all to know that Dr. Bram and I have dedicated a plentitude of effort to create an impeccably curated gift registry, for your benefit of course! We ask for your strict adherence to the listed items below. You see, unlike our very own little “love addict” Cousin Kim who’s had six opportunities to perfect a gift registry, I approached my registry and spousal selection with utmost contemplation.
That being said, the topic of marriage often brings forth the idea of gifting “something old” and I’ll take this opportunity to remind my darling Aunt Betsy that I am definitely not in need of another Old Testament bible. You see Auntie Bets, I indeed received “the Good Book” that was priority-shipped to my home immediately after I announced my engagement to Dr. Bram. We are happy to share that your book has been quite useful in teaching our co-lead Homosexual Constructs in Religious Discourse colloquium.
Speaking of homosexuality, I would like to touch upon the “something new” aspect of that charming wedding idiom. I was disappointed that none of you were able to attend this year’s Pride Parade, however, I encourage you all to try “something new” for my upcoming wedding. And by encourage, I mean to say that our wedding dress code will be of the rainbow flag variety. Support our LGBTQ+ community, or, I’m sorry to say, you will be barred from attending my wedding.
Oh, Great Uncle Bill, before you call me to engage in one of your “I don’t agree with your lifestyle” chats, I invite you to gift me “something borrowed.” Whenever you feel the little bigot on your shoulder, the one that urges you to criticize me and my life choices, simply repeat this borrowed mantra: love is love.
Lastly, any family members interested in contributing “something blue” for my upcoming conscious coupling ceremony, please provide a notarized copy of your Voter Registration Card that clearly reflects a Democrat affiliation.
And dearest Mother, I understand how important my marital status is for you. Though your WASP-y Connecticut side of the bloodline may not fully appreciate my version of a June wedding, at least they can’t call your only daughter a sad little spinster anymore. Dreams do come true!
See you at the hand-fasting ceremony. Blessed be!
