POTTY HUMOR
You’ve Heard the Phrase “Going Number Two,” but What’s Number Three?
I guarantee you’ll be sorry you asked
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Back when I was a pro Signature Gatherer, who pestered people with a clipboard for a living, I worked at an iconic park in San Francisco. I didn’t mind being told no a thousand times — nor did I mind being hit by flying frisbees — but what really got to me was how hard it was every time I had to go number two!
Would there even be toilet paper, to purge my lingering chocolate? Let’s pray.
If the shoddy public bathrooms weren’t bad enough, the long lines were a nightmare! However, I did notice something rather curious, the perplexity of which helped distract me from the pain of my about-to-burst bladder and butthole…
The line in front of the men’s restroom — it was longer than the ladies’ line!
Significantly longer.
Hey, I wasn’t about to complain—thank God I transitioned male to female, amirite?—yet I was profoundly confused. What could the gents possibly be doing in there, that would take them longer than dealing with a period or adjusting messed-up makeup? (Yes, I know men’s restroom users do those things too, but you’d expect there to be more of a jam in the women’s, right?)
As I slowly made my way up the ladies’ line, I thought about it and I thought about it. And finally, just as a plethora of poo erupted from my patootie into the perilous public toilet and an ahh of relief cascaded out my mouth… I got it!
I bet you some of those men were going number three! 😱
Even a very small minority of people going number three could be more than enough to severely clog up a restroom line!
But what’s number three, you ask? See below for a detailed, but not at all comprehensive list of Secret Bathroom Codes!
Ms. Phoenix Inappopriate Huber’s Compendium of Secret Bathroom Codes
Number negative 900: Code for when you are celebrating your 900th consecutive day of not having used a restroom. You bathe in the bay, you pee in the trees, and you bury your doo-doo like it’s treasure for dung beetles. Good for you, hippie.
Number negative 2: Code for when you have to poop, but you’re completely constipated. D’oh!
Number negative 1: When you have to pee, but the park bathroom smells like a skunk apocalypse so forget it!
Number 0: When you walk into the loo but forget what you were doing…
Number 0.1: When you just have to wash your hands.
Number 0.2: When you just have to pick or blow your nose… and then wash your hands (hopefully).
Number 0.4: When you just have to blot out a ketchup stain.
Number 0.9: When you just have to eat your lunch on the potty, Mean Girls style. At least we’ve moved on from the sink area to the toilet now!
Number 0.98: When you just have to shave… your pubes! On the toilet! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!? 😵
Number 1: When you have to tinkle. (This one we know.)
Number 1.5: When you sort of have to tinkle, but the real reason you’re going to the restroom is so you can secretly let out a big, stanky fart. 🥴
Number 1.999 (1.9 repeating): When you think you will secretly let out a big, stanky fart, but the fart turns out to be a SHART in disguise! Thank God you were on the toilet when that happened…
Number 2: When you have to poop, plain and simple.
Number 2.666 (2.6 repeating): When you have to let out some explosive, demonic diarrhea of DOOM!!!
Number 2.777 (2.7 repeating): When you’re a fecal photographer who takes pics of your dumps, hangs them on your wall, and sends them to a “shit psychic” who predicts the future by gazing at the patterns in your excrement. 💩🔮
Number 3: YES, the one you’ve all been waiting for! Code for when you’re aching for some “potty pleasure time.” Fine, it’s when you have to masturbate. Happy? Oh, and I left out number negative 3 earlier, but you can guess what that one would be…
Number 3.14159265358979323846, etc.: When you have to masturbate again, but have decided to do so while eatiing pie to enhance the pleasure. I would recommend pumpkin, personally. At least the pie stains on your face will give you an alibi for why you spent so long in the dang bathroom!
Number 4: When you have to change a tampon, or address other womanly/AFAB-specific matters. This number was originally inspired by the four phases of the Moon.
Number 4.5: When you have to do something manly or AMAB-related… like rushing off to the bathroom to allow a hard-on to subside in private.
Number 4.75: When you have to do something distinctly trans—perhaps adjusting one’s binder or tuck.
Number 5: When you have to clip/file your talons before you show up to your first party since COVID.
Number 6: Ditto, except for when you have hexadactyly (six fingers).
Number 7: When you have to change clothes and be naked for a few seconds.
Number 8: When you have to take a shower and be naked for a few minutes!
Number 8.666 (8.6 repeating): When you have to take a shower just for an excuse to sing (read: wail-and-screech!).
Number 8.999 (8.9 repeating): When you have to take a shower, but you forget to unplug the drain, so the shower ends up becoming a bath. Neat-o!
Number 9: A bath, but under no pretense of being a shower.
Number 9.1: A bath, but only because you’re a secret Australian mermaid teenager who accidentally touched water.
Number 9.1225: When you give yourself a bubble beard and pretend to be Santa.
Number 9.666 (9.6 repeating): An ice bath for charity. Me? “When Hell freezes over!”
Number 10: When you have to go dance to old ABBA songs, smother the entire bathroom mirror in lip stains, and coo to your smudged reflection, “You sexy thang!”
Number 20: When you have to change a baby’s diaper. So titled because the 2 stands for poo and the 0 stands for the baby’s age. Note: If the baby has already turned 1, then it’s 20.01. If the baby is a 51-year-old “adult baby,” then it would be number 20.51!
Number 21: When you have to vomit. 21 is the USA’s legal drinking age… which some of us conclude is overhyped! 🤮
Number 26: When you have to apply antiaging serum to your face STAT because you just turned 26 and are officially aging, ahh!
Number 33: When you hook up on the toilet!
Number 88: When you hook up in the shower!
Number 333: When you have a threesome on the toilet!
Number 888: When you have a threesome in the shower!
Number 911: When you have to call an emergency plumber because you accidentally flushed a stick of deodorant down the toilet AND clogged the shower drain with your gobs and gobs of faded-blond, rapidly-balding Rapunzel hair… causing your parent’s basement to flood! 😭 (I’m actually speaking from experience this time.)
Number 3,333,333,333,333,333: When you’re a bajillionaire who reserves the shopping mall for a day just so you can host a private orgy in their giant-ass bathroom.
Number 8,888,888,888,888,888: Same, except it’s a locker room, with showers. 😁
Number 10,333,111,888,626,911,404²: When the bajillionaire’s bathroom orgy starts out with ABBA before going in a “golden showers” direction, which is followed by actual showers, but then… alien attack! And everyone tries to call 911, but y’all get abducted and vanish into thin air! Then the director yells, “Cut!” She makes you redo the scene because the first take was just a leetle too tame. (Hence, “squared.” 🤓)
Number 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999… (not sure how many 999s, tbh): Code for when the last Homo sapiens have long since died out due to an anthropogenic fiasco, and all the woodland creatures start breaking into our decomposing bathrooms. Squirrels piss in the sinks. Raccoons raid our long-lost toothbrushes. Spiders spin webs across the wilted shower curtains. Blue jays build nests out of old human hairballs and discarded toilet orgy condoms.
Conclusion
With the climate crisis just heating up, there’s no telling whether wild animals won’t be number 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999ing all over our abandoned public restrooms real soon.
So you know what? Let’s enjoy our basic biological processes while we can, people!
Be grateful you can go number one. It means you’re alive.
Go number two with pride! Even if it’s a number negative two at first, you can always bring a book.
But please, try not to go number three when the Dolores Park bathroom line is already longer than a blue-whale marching band.
Thank you.
