‘London Bridge’ is Undead
On April 21st, the world’s oldest living monarch, Queen Elizabeth II turned 91 years old. According to The Guardian, Buckingham Palace has already prepared for the events following her death. These detailed plans, code-named “The Bridge,” address the period of national mourning, the Queen’s funeral and the succession and coronation of Prince Charles.
Now we’ve learned that Buckingham Palace has also prepared for another scenario — a scenario that most of us have probably never considered. In a recently leaked secret document, royal officials outline the protocol to be followed in the event that the deceased Queen rises again to roam the streets of London in search of human flesh.
The un-deading of the Queen may seem far-fetched, but, as royal historians confirm, the Palace has good reason to prepare.
In 1587, the freshly beheaded body of Mary, Queen of Scots was said to have “sprung up from the scaffold to cavort wildly about the courtyard.” Witnesses attributed the incident to “demonic spirits,” but we now know, thanks to our advanced understanding of this genetic disorder, that Mary was exhibiting symptoms of zombiism.
In 1820, King George III was briefly undead before being bludgeoned with a silver tea service by his startled valet. In 1685, Charles II’s reanimated corpse escaped the Palace of Whitehall and terrorized central London. He was later found feasting on a herd of sheep in the rural countryside of Kent.
Zombiism persists in the royal bloodline to this day. According to geneticists, all royals carry a genetic predisposition toward the affliction. Some geneticists put the likelihood of today’s living royals becoming undead as high as 50%.
So what can we expect if the Queen becomes the walking dead?
The Queen’s senior doctor will be the first to know. He will sound the alarm, likely a series of bloodcurdling screams. Then, in deference to the crown and with the stiffest of British upper lips, the doctor will kiss the Queen’s cold hand and allow her to devour him in full.
The monarch’s undead corpse will remain at the royal residence of Buckingham Palace. She will likely feast on her corgi dogs. When the corgi supply is exhausted, she will be fed commoners through a high-security gate designed in the Palladian style in 1913 by famed royal architect Aston Webb.
The selected commoners will be chosen for leanness of meat. They will be briefed on the correct formal address of the undead Queen. The correct formal address is Your Reanimated Majesty initially and Reanimated Ma’am thereafter. Just Ma’am is acceptable when one’s capacity for speech is compromised, e.g., she is eating or has eaten one’s face and/or chest cavity.
A palace footman dressed in mourning clothes will emerge from the Ambassador’s Entrance. He will release a royal carrier pigeon on which will be pinned the message: RZH we summon thee.
For those unfamiliar with the styles of the British monarchy, RZH, or Royal Zombie Hunter, is a royal style carried by select members of the royal family. The only living royal to currently carry the RZH style is Prince Harry.
He is the party prince, the playboy, the “spare.” As second born and 5th in the line of succession, Prince Harry has enjoyed life at a safe distance from the burden of the crown. If this terrible message comes, a unique burden will fall on his shoulders. Prince Harry must serve crown and country as only an RZH can. Prince Harry must slay his zombified grandma.
There will be a military procession down The Mall to Buckingham Palace. The Prince, in full dress of the Blues and Royals, will ride horseback accompanied by mounted troops. Trumpeters in red-plumed helmets will herald the Prince’s arrival at the gates of Buckingham Palace. When Big Ben tolls thrice, he will dismount and Guardsmen will admit him onto the palace grounds. From there, Prince Harry will be on his own, armed only with the traditional RZH saber and a deep, abiding sense of royal duty.
The world will wait for news from palace officials. No one will know what to expect next.
Despite the palace’s in-depth planning, nothing can truly prepare a nation for the un-deading of its beloved Queen. The psychological trauma of an event like this would be felt across the world. We can only hope that when her time comes, Queen Elizabeth II is in death as she has been in life: dignified, steadfast and, above all, not a flesh eating zombie.