Should We Accept Charity?
Recently some close friends organised a charity appeal to help our family through a tough time. My wife Tara’s brain tumour has shown signs of growing again, which has meant a lot of time and money consulting cancer specialists, as well as unpaid time off work for both of us. This is only the beginning of the journey too, which means things could get much worse in terms of personal stress and financial strain. So, it might come as a surprise to some that I initially had some pretty strong misgivings about accepting the money that has been raised. I thought I’d explain my thoughts here, both to get my head around the situation and hopefully help others, who might find themselves in this same spot, process their own feelings.
The first thing that felt wrong with the appeal was an age old phenomenon that many people encounter when offered help: wounded pride. Thoughts like “I should be able to support my family through this”, “we aren’t charity cases”, “we shouldn’t have to put our hands out” and “it’s my responsibility to protect us through this and no one else’s” were all things that immediately went through my head and continue to on a regular basis. Considering I’m not the alpha-male type who enjoys measuring my dick length against other dads, I didn’t think these feelings would be so strong. But, they are. Maybe it’s because my sense of personal identity is tied up in being a good partner and father that I feel like this is an attack on my ability as a provider, rather than the honest offer for help it is. I know these thoughts are silly. I know I’m being unreasonable when it comes right down it it, but the feeling continues pester my sense of worth. Still, I would never let something like this ultimately get in the way of the right treatment for Tara. I’d rather be a humble husband than a proud widower. I can get past this knowing full well that no-one else is even remotely offended I can’t bear this on my own back.
The greater concern for me with the appeal is that there are A LOT more people who need financial help than we do. We have health insurance that covers most of Tara’s treatment costs, we have a house we can re-mortgage (or sell) if we need to, as well as other items we could pawn off to generate cash flow. We have no concerns about where our next meal is coming from. I’m a passionate believer in Effective Altruism, where people use the limited amount of charity money they have, to improve the lives of as many people as possible. This generally means extending help to people in the third world, where a few thousand dollars can genuinely have a life saving impact, if not significantly improve the lives of more than one person. If you take all people’s lives as being fundamentally equal in worth, then it doesn’t make sense to give to a single family who could possibly get through a cancer diagnosis on their own. In saying that, I think even the most eloquent Utilitarian would have difficulty convincing me that it would be immoral to spend our own life savings on Tara’s treatment. Not only is she the mother of my children, but (shock horror) her life does mean more to me than other peoples’. However, I can see an argument that a mass appeal for funds from our wider network could be seen as pleading for a cause that isn’t as worthy as others. Still, I have come to realise through this that I’m not the only one who loves Tara deeply; not by a long shot. We are both amazed daily at the amount of people who are telling us she has changed their lives in a meaningful way. I shouldn’t be surprised really. I married Tara partly for her banging good looks, but mostly because she is one of the kindest souls I’ve ever met.
If someone else needs a helping hand, she’s the first to offer. It’s testament to her giving nature that so many people are willing to pay that kindness back in any way they can. People have a personal investment in Tara’s wellbeing and that drives them to want to do what they can. I’ve even had a friend tell me “I’ll be really, really pissed of if you need help and don’t ask.” This from a guy who I know isn’t beyond punching me in the face to make a point, before dropping a wad of cash on my broken nose to hammer things home.
Sometimes when I’m unsure what to do in a personal situation where my emotions are getting the best of me, I think to myself what would I tell a friend to do? That advice would be: don’t be shy to ask your friends for a hand if you do need it. Not only will it alleviate some of the stress on you, but it will also make your mates feel better if they’re able to take some control in the situation. There’s nothing worse than standing by and feeling helpless when one of your friends is in need. People want to help.
Since having that conversation in my own head, I decided to take my advice (I promise I’m only slightly crazy).
When Tara and I did finally pluck up the courage to visit the bank and accept control of the appeal account it was all pretty surreal. The bank teller turned the screen around and when we saw the amount of $22,000 sitting there, both of us burst into tears. We even made the bank teller cry. My feeling of embarrassment was still there, but it was overwhelmed by a bottom-of-my-heart sense of gratitude. You always think you have a solid circle of friends, but when something like this happens you know — and in our case the support is greater than we have ever have thought possible.
I would like to say to any of our friends reading this who are still wanting to give to the appeal: only do it if it’s in addition to what you’d normally give to charity. Don’t let our situation get in the way of funds you reserve for causes that are working towards making the wider world a better place (and if you need help in figuring out which charities are some of the most effective out there GiveWell is a great place to start).
I would also say to anyone else who has friends in this situation, lending a hand isn’t just about money either. We’ve been offered a house to stay in rent-free and a car to drive while we’re away from home, we’ve been offered clothes for us and the kids, babysitting when we need it, cooked meals, personal training sessions, free haircuts, you name it. Sometimes just a weblink to something you know will make them laugh means the world. It all helps. The show of support that boosts the their morale at a time when it feels like the universe wants to do nothing but kick them in the junk. Don’t just dig into your pockets, dig into how much you know the ones you love and figure out a way to take some pressure out of their day.
Thanks to all of our friends who have taken the pressure off us. Things suck big time right now, but knowing we’ve got a bunch of people behind us has made it so, so much easier.
