Unf*ck Yourself with Guest Gary John Bishop | The Healthy Me Podcast Episode 003

Welcome to The Healthy Me episode number 003… I’m Trina Felber, Registered Nurse and CEO of Primal Life Organics.

In the rough and tumble world that is everyday life, we’re often too busy or too distracted to sit down and think about what we want.

And even when we do find the time to sit down and think about what we really want, we’re often let ourselves get mired in doubt and self-inflicted discouragement.

Why do we do that to ourselves?

We do we intentionally let our subconscious talk us out of chasing our dreams and going after the things that could truly bring meaning to our lives?

We do it because we are — in a word — f*cked.

That’s right, we f*ck ourselves over for no other reason than that’s what we do as adults.

When we’re kids, we’re not afraid of risk, and we’re not afraid of change. But as we age, we become obsessed with protection and predictability much to the detriment of our goals.

But that changes today. Today we’re going to get UNf*cked.

Today, you’re going to learn how to Unf*ck Yourself, with Healthy Me Podcast guest, Gary John Bishop.

Gary is an accomplished author and personal development coach who believes almost every adult is desperately in need of a wake-up call for their personal potential. Without that wake-up call, Gary believes busy adults like you and me are going to go through life with one arm handcuffed to the wall and one foot nailed to the floor.

So, get ready to get unstuck and unf*cked as Gary teaches us how to get out of our own head, tap into the power inside, and overcome the seemingly “impossible” hurdles we’ve always wanted to clear.

Transcription

Tina Felber: Welcome to The Health Me episode three. I’m Trina Felber, registered nurse and CEO of Primal Life Organics. I believe there is a healthy person living in everyone. The Healthy Me is designed to call up your healthy self, step out of your comfort zone, shake things up, and get results. So let’s find and empower your healthy me.

Today I am joined by Gary John Bishop, author of Unf* Yourself. Gary is one of the leading personal development experts in the industry. His urban philosophy approach represents a new wave of personal empowerment and life mastery that has provided miraculous results for people in the quality and performance of their life. He is joining me today to help you get out of your head and into your life. Thank you Gary.

Gary J Bishop: Thank you. Thanks for having me Trina.

Tina Felber: Okay. I have to say, first of all, I love the cover of the book, and I love the title because it totally spoke to me. So can you tell everybody what is the book about and what was your meaning behind it? Or what did you want to accomplish?

Gary J Bishop: Yeah, so the book is about the ways that we kind of talk ourselves out of living great lives. But it goes a little deeper than that and it touches on the unseen and the unheard. So you’re constantly in a dialogue with yourself. Most of that dialogue you don’t notice, but you’re constantly talking to yourself. The book actually uncovers ways for you to break out of that cycle. The thing that I was really committed with with this book was that it wasn’t some kind of big, giant opus. It would be pointless to write a book called Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life, and it takes you eight days to read it. So I really wanted it to be punchy, like this little pocket battleship, that when you put it down it kind of inspired you to stand up and do something different.

If you’re somebody that in your life you want to produce new results, or you feel as if you’re stuck, when it comes down to it you’re going to have to do something different. You might want to feel different. You might want to get inspired, you might want to get empowered, but ultimately you’ll still need to do something different. I’m really inspired by some of the results that have come back from people because they’re saying that’s what they’re doing with the book. They’ve read the book and they stood up and did something different.

Tina Felber: I can totally attest to that because I have been through a lot of … I’m really into personal development. I’ve read a lot of books on personal development. I’ve been to a lot of mastery classes and things like that, and of course I’ve walked away with something from everything. But when I picked up a copy of your book, first of all, I loved the title so much. It never dawned on me until reading your book how much I talk to myself. I didn’t even realize it. So it brought, in me, to the forefront, just the awareness of what I’m saying to myself and how often I’m saying it. 90% of the time, until you’re conscious of it, you don’t realize that you’re the one saying, “Oh, you can’t do that.” “Oh, you’re not good enough.” “Oh, no way. You can never accomplish that.”

Gary J Bishop: I don’t say to myself, “I’m not good enough.” But if you actually look at what you do in life you’ll see what you’re saying to yourself. Your life is a product of what you say to yourself. So, everything you’re saying to yourself every day, you’re living that life. Now, it seems like I’m living the life of my circumstances, but my answer to that is, “You have the circumstances that are consistent with your internal dialogue.” So your life is a reflection of that.

Tina Felber: Right. Well talk for a second about, I know in the book you talk about uncertainty. But uncertainty is where things happen and it’s an opportunity for growth. So I want you to expand on that.

Gary J Bishop: Yeah. Yeah, so when you were a kid you had no problem with uncertainly, right? You were actually kind of into the whole idea of uncertainty. That’s why if you’ve got kids or you’ve been around kids, you got to watch them because a two-year-old will just wander right into the middle of the highway if you let them. Now I’m not saying you should start doing that. There’s a lot wrong with being two, right? I mean, the sanitation alone.

Tina Felber: Right.

Gary J Bishop: But there is something about being two, or being three, or being four. There’s this kind of wonder of what it is to be alive. But as we get older we start to crave more prediction, more predictability. So that’s the crossroads where human beings exist. Human beings exist hardwired for things to be certain, yet yearning for new things to happen. Right? So you end up in that kind of stuck-ness at times in your life where you want something new, but the uncertainty of the new is too daunting a task. I say to people, “You got to let go of that. You got to let go that the uncertain is something to be avoided.”

I mean, there are some cruddy things that can happen in uncertainty for sure. But at the same time nothing great will ever happen in your life until you step into what’s uncertain. Nothing great will ever happen. You have to risk it at some point, and you can’t get away with safety, and you can’t strategize and plan your way to safety because even in the most amazing plans you can get blindsided. So I say to people, “Embrace the uncertainty. Step right out there and you’ll realize you’re a lot better equipped than you think you are.”

Tina Felber: I agree. I totally agree. And I have to say that I was so inspired after reading … actually, I bought the book and then I downloaded it. I listened to it in the sauna. So I was in the sauna sweating like you wouldn’t believe and every night I would listen to the book. I loved the audiobook, so if anybody can get the audiobooks. It’s you reading, so you get your accent and everything reading to you. It’s the power of your voice is also very strong. Because I can tell that you’re committed and that you have a lot of feeling in here. There’s a lot of feeling.

Gary J Bishop: Yeah. You know, I’ve been doing this personally development thing, even as a participant or as somebody who gives it away to people for about a thousand years. It’s what my life’s about. If you ask my wife she’d tell you, “Yeah, this guy’s life is about making a difference for people.” And that’s all people. That includes my neighbors, it includes going into your Starbucks. That includes writing book and delivering courses, and speaking at events. I’ve given my life to what’s it going to take to have people wake up to themselves and strike a blow for some new kind of life for themselves. I’m passionate about it. I love it. It’s a great way to spend your life.

Tina Felber: I thank you for that. I totally thank you because, really, like I said, I bought the book for every one of my staff members. Everyone that works for me, all of my team members, I bought the book for them to share. I said, “Don’t just keep this for yourself. When you read it, give it away. I want you to give it to someone else because it’s a gift. It’s a total gift.” I told the young kids, the kids that are like 16, we sent it home in a bag, or an envelope. I said, “Give it to your parents and let them read it first, because they probably need it.” In fact-

Gary J Bishop: I think it’s kind of … I would do what I do for nothing and anybody who knows me would tell you I have done it for nothing. Literally I’ve done this for nothing.

Tina Felber: Well, you walk the walk and talk the talk so it’s your life.

Gary J Bishop: Well, you got to. What else you going to do? You can’t call yourself something then [inaudible 00:08:09] yourself. I’m, really, I’m fascinated. I spend most of my days reading and studying. Like, “What does it take to get somebody from A to B?” It’s not the usual stuff that we say, like willpower or something, which I’m still not even sure what that is. Or some sense of personal discipline or something. Where does discipline exist for a human being? If you’re going to look, where is that? Where is the discipline organ? Is it just underneath my liver? Where is the discipline or the self-belief? Where’s that? I can’t find that either. So I’m always looking for ways, like real ways for people to wake up to certain aspects themselves. I like what you said, like you got an awareness of something you didn’t have. You would have said, “That to be free one must make that which is unconscious, conscious.” And that’s a never ending thing. You’re always doing that.

Tina Felber: Well, like you say, you drive to work every day and you’re unconscious. You get from point A to point B without even thinking about it. But you have had a conversation, that’s why you’re really not thinking, you had a conversation with yourself the entire time. You don’t even realize it, and it blew my mind the first time I realized the things I was saying to myself. And, “How can I rewire myself to talk better to myself? To lift myself up?” And then teach my kids the same philosophy of, “How are you talking to yourself?” because it’s so powerful.

Gary J Bishop: Right, and look, it’s really critical for people to get. I’m not talking about positive speaking or something, you know, “You can do it.”

Tina Felber: Right. Yeah, because that’s not what you’re talking about.

Gary J Bishop: Not talking about telling yourself your awesome. Right? “You’re awesome. You can do it.” I’m not talking about that. What I’m really fascinated about is when people can confront themselves. When they can look themselves in the mirror and tell themselves the truth. And I don’t mean the truth in a dramatic way, like, “Oh my God.” I mean, like look at yourself in a mirror and ask yourself, “What are you doing? Where are you going? What’s this about? Where’s this taking you? What are you tolerating? What are you putting up with? What are you in denial about? What are you pretending?” And really look yourself right in the eye and tell yourself the truth.

You know, my fundamental philosophy, if you like, starts in this word called responsibility. Responsibility gets such a bad rap, because people think it’s got something to do with that you’re to blame for something. It’s got nothing to do with that. It’s about, “Are you going to take ownership of your life, Or are you going to give it to somebody or something else?” So are you going to take ownership that you’re in a bad mood or are you going to blame it on your job? Are you going to take ownership of your finances or are you going to blame it on your parents who never sent you to college? Are you going to take ownership for your crummy relationship with your husband or your wife and stop blaming it on them? Are you going to start living your life like it all goes the way you say and if you got really committed to that you could see that?

I love the whole, I mean, I just love the whole notion of somebody embracing all of it, like everything that’s going on in their life. All of it. Every last aspect. Your money, your body, own it. Because-

Tina Felber: Own it.

Gary J Bishop: … own it, now you got a say in it. When you don’t own it, when you put it down to something like if it’s your weight for instance, like, “Oh, you know, I can’t seem to build the habit to do it.” Whatever it is that you tell yourself to explain why you’re not doing what you know you should do, you got to own that. You got to start …

My favorite philosopher’s a guy called Martin Heidegger. Heidegger would have said, “You got to intervene with yourself.” You’ve got to intervene. You’ve got to stop the bus and say, “All right, we’re not doing this anymore. I’m going to take this bus in a whole other direction.” That would be the direction of uncertainty, by the way, just to throw that in there.

Tina Felber: Right. Taking that risk because that is where growth and change happens. So, can you talk, one of my favorite things that you talked about in the book was relationships and how, if you are in crummy relationship after crummy relationship, how you are still succeeding in your life. Can you explain that, because I know a lot of people that are out there and watching have been in the same relationship over, and over, and over again so I want you to talk about that.

Gary J Bishop: Yeah, so I’ve coached a lot of people in relationships. I’ve got a small coaching business. It used to be very big but it’s really small now. I don’t even have time for it. But often people come to me with their relationship stuff. Then I say, “Well, if you just look at the state of your relationship now, if it keeps going that way where does it go?”

Then they’ll say, “Well, we’re going to be split up.”

I’ll say, “Okay. Now what point does that prove to ya?”

They’re like, “Well, it doesn’t prove a point to me.” But if you peel back at it, you’ll actually see you’re on a one way street to proving a certain point about yourself, or about others, or about life. It really shows up in your romantic relationship.

I know some of your listeners might be like, “No, no. I keep attracting a certain kind of person.”

You don’t attract anything you lunatic. You hunt them down. You find these people. Like, “Where? Oh, you’ll do.” “Oh, yeah, your angry and self-justified? Let’s go.” I’m telling you, look, if your listeners really get present to and think about it, if you look back in your relationship that didn’t work, there was something in the beginning where you told yourself like, “I don’t know.” And then you overcame it. By the end of the relationship, that thing that you overcame, that’s what broke it, and you’ll find that thing was there the whole time.

People are always winning, whether they’re conscious of what they’re winning at or not. Mostly, we’re not conscious of the games we’re in. We think we’re in some other game, like, “I’m getting angry with somebody, my wife, to demonstrate how much I care for her.” Why don’t you just tell them you care for them. Wouldn’t that be a faster way just to do that, rather than losing your business over it?

That’s kind of what we do in life, though. I like it call it, we live these lives of intention. So I’ve got something in mind but I’m not really clear about what I’ve got in mind. We need to look in the reality of our life to see what we’ve got. Again, I do this to my clients. I say, “Well, if you look at your whole life in terms of every area of your life right now, you’re winning. What are the games you’re playing?”

Tina Felber: Yeah, because that’s so true.

Gary J Bishop: Yeah, they’ll say, “I’m winning at having no money.” and “I’m winning at being overweight.” and “I’m winning at being terrible in relationships.” and “I’m winning at not going back to college.” And on, and on, and on, and on.

Tina Felber: So isn’t there … There’s a part in the book when you talk about what you’re willing to do and what you’re not willing to do. Am I right?

Gary J Bishop: Yeah.

Tina Felber: And I sort of related to, “I’m not willing to live like that,” because that struck a little bit stronger for me than the … So talk about that for a second.

Gary J Bishop: All right. So I said this thing a few years ago. It’s probably one of the things, because I’ve always been doing this but I hadn’t had much of an online profile. I said this thing that got a lot of attention.

Tina Felber: It usually goes like that doesn’t it?

Gary J Bishop: Yeah. The thing that I said is that, “You have the life that you’re willing to put up with”. I got a lot of attention about that.

People were like, “What?” “Huh?”

I said, “yeah. You have the life that you’re willing to put up with.”

“How do I know I’m willing to put up with it?”

“Because you have it.”

So, if you look at like, your listeners are willing to have the body they have. Why? Because that’s the body you have. You’re willing to have the finances you have. Why? Because that’s the finances you have.

I really got for myself, again, I’m fascinated with this whole thing of responsibility, but if you look at your life from the perspective of your willingness. Usually, how we describe our lives is we stay stuff like, “Well, I can’t do that. I don’t think I can do that.” or “That’s impossible.” or “It’s not for me.” or” I struggle with that.” or “I’m challenged by that.” Or whatever.

I say to people, “Well, look at it in terms of willingness.” What if you came at it from, “I’m actually unwilling to do that?” Like, “I’m unwilling to do everything that it takes or everything that that is,” right?” That can work both ways. It can work in like, “I’m no longer willing to put up with that.” Or, I can confront some reality with myself. Like “I say I want to lose weight, but the reality is I’m unwilling to deal with myself to lose weight.”

Tina Felber: Right. I know.

Gary J Bishop: Which is really, then you’re left with it. Like, “Oh, crap. It’s me.”

Tina Felber: But then you can deal with it.

Gary J Bishop: Very good. Now-

Tina Felber: You can deal with the unwillingness and decide whether you are going to live with the unwillingness in the way you are. Or, are you now no longer going to be willing to live the way that you are and change? [crosstalk 00:18:08] some change.

Gary J Bishop: Right. That’s the point. It’s about, I like to say it this way, it’s about bringing things in-house that you didn’t think belonged in-house. It’s about making things yours now to do something about, rather than throwing your hands up in the air and explaining why you can’t. Because you got to get this, and this is the same for all human beings, but you’re an explanation machine. I mean, you ask somebody why they don’t do something. They can tell you in a heartbeat. “Oh my gosh. oh let me tell you this thing happened. I was nine, realized that I was never going to be good at math.”

I’m like, “But you’re 54 now!”

Tina Felber: I love it. That’s so true.

Gary J Bishop: “45 years ago.” I’m like, “There’s a lot of life that’s happened since then.” It’s about challenging some of those already determined parameters that you don’t even realize you’ve set yourself up like that.

Tina Felber: It’s a habit.

Gary J Bishop: Well, look, newer science would tell you that your personality is nothing more than a bad habit, so-

Tina Felber: I say that. It is. It’s what you are so used to functioning from. You have to almost create a second personality to function from.

Gary J Bishop: Well, what I say to people is you can’t do something about something you don’t understand yet. So you got to really understand your own wiring. Don’t be fascinated by it. You’re not that sophisticated. But if you actually checked yourself out you would notice repetitive thoughts. You would notice repetitive physical states, like you actually feel a certain way, like your body, you experience your body in a certain way. And you’ll also experience very familiar daily emotional states. I mean, like, my gosh, the same emotions.

Like, for instance, I’ll give you an example in my life. I have an internal dialogue that says, and it’s always going, well it seems like it’s always going. “I’m never going to make it.”

“Make what?”

“Whatever I’m doing. I’m not going to make it.”

So when I get up in the morning and I have a shower, “I’m never going to make it,” has a shower. When I go down the stair and I have a coffee, “I’m never going to make it,” has a cup of coffee. Then I walk into my office and open up my laptop, “I’m never going to make it’s” opening up my laptop.

Tina Felber: Right. That’s your personality.

Gary J Bishop: Right. The only thing I’ve gotten used to now is not doing what that says. Because what that says is, “Don’t bother. There’s no point. You’re never going to make it.” I just keep plodding away anyway. So, I’m clued to those internal dialogues now, because I’m so aware that they are there whether I like it or not.

Some people would say, “You can control your thoughts,”-

Tina Felber: You can’t.

Gary J Bishop: Really? Really? Come on. If I see the word, “Dinosaur,” stop yourself right now picturing a dinosaur. Go ahead. You can’t. There’s a dinosaur in your head now.

Tina Felber: I know. It’s so true, because even when you say, “I want more positive thoughts. I want to be positive all day,” it doesn’t happen. So you have to be conscious so that you can stop and rewire yourself, just a little bit. Keep yourself on the right path.

Gary J Bishop: Yeah, if you think about it, that’s where you right. If you think about it in terms of, I’ll use these little headphones as an example. In your brain there’s like thoughts that go, right? They have to go and follow a typical kind of pattern. Now, if you’re having a thought about yourself like, “I’m not good enough,” if you try and stop that, all you’re going to do is keep going around with the same thought over and over, and over, and over. So you can’t actually stop a negative pattern thought. The only thing you can do is introduce a different one, then give your attention to that, start acting on that different one. So it’s not about stopping old things. It’s about introducing new things you to express to yourself in news, and trying things out. Like, take a risk for yourself and try out being confident at times when you don’t even feel like, “Oh boy, I’m not sure.” I’ll walk in there with confidence. It’s not, “Fake it till you make it.” It’s literally, “Try it out.”

Tina Felber: Right. If you repetitively do the same thing you’re going to get the same result, so you’ve got to do something and make a change. Oh my gosh. So I don’t want to take too much more of your time. I so appreciate it. I want you to tell everybody where they can get your book, the Unf* Yourself.

Gary J Bishop: All right. So you can get it in Amazon. You can get it in Barnes and … I mean, anywhere you can get books. Like [crosstalk 00:22:57]-

Tina Felber: And you can get the audio version as well, but that’s what I did.

Gary J Bishop: You can get a audio version. The audio version I believe, is in the top 20 of all audio books in the United States, so it’s doing pretty great. Then you can also catch up with me at my website garyjohnbishop.com. You can catch up with me on Instagram @GaryJohnBishop, Twitter @GaryJohnBishop, and then, on Facebook, One in Seven Billion. So if you jump onto Facebook, you can join the, I think I’ve got about a quarter of a million followers on there.

Tina Felber: Awesome.

Gary J Bishop: People are pretty gripped by the notion of Unf*ing themselves these days, so …

Tina Felber: I think everybody needs to, seriously, in one way or another. I didn’t just say that. Hey, so, tell me, because I know at the end of the audio book, because I listened to the whole thing twice. The end you mentioned a course. So tell me about the course.

Gary J Bishop: Right. So I’m filming a live course with an audience in December, and it’ll be released at the end of December. You’ll find it on our website. The course is going to be split in these three bits, so you can buy a bit of it and you’ll own it. It comes with electronic materials, its own little workbook, and you can actually get your things to go to work on, but you can use the book as your personal coach. So, in the course what we do is we uncover these diamonds in the mud in your life, and then unleash you to get to work on them. It’s a methodology I’ve used for a number of years but it’s highly, highly affective. If you’re somebody who’s interested in really changing your life, like taking your life another direction, it’s definitely the course for you. You’ll find information about it on my website in about another month or so.

Tina Felber: All right. And the website again?

Gary J Bishop: garyjohnbishop.com

Tina Felber: Yep, his name. Okay. So, guys, anybody that’s watching or listening, you’ve got to check it out. You will be inspired just by little things that you never thought of. The book, like I said, changed my life. So much so that I bought a copy for all of my team members and everybody in my life. For Christmas, guess what everybody’s getting in their stocking? I’m giving everybody this.

First of all, my favorite reaction is when they look at it, and they go, “What?” That is the best. So, Christmas presents, this would be the best thing. Or birthday presents, whatever. It sends a message, too, of-

Gary J Bishop: It really does. I want your listeners to know, too, it’s not filled with profanity. There’s a couple of curse words in it, but not a lot.

Tina Felber: It’s so well-written and so powerful, your message is so powerful, and I think it transforms lives, just after reading the first chapter, to be honest with you.

Gary J Bishop: Thank you so much. That was my intention.

Tina Felber: Awesome. Thank you so much for joining me on The Healthy Me. I totally appreciate it, and love what you’re doing. I’m going to be looking out for your course.

Gary J Bishop: Awesome, thanks for having me Trina.

Tina Felber: All right. Take care.

Gary J Bishop: All right. Bye.

Tina Felber: Bye.