Ego & What We Can Do About It

Working the 12-steps to kill my ego

Lisa Spray
The Heart of Quran
7 min readFeb 10, 2023

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Photo by mariel reiser on Unsplash

Other than those who work very hard at dealing with their egos, almost all of us encounter situations that inflame it. When that happens, we usually find ourselves ruled by this terrible “beast” until somehow the flames die out. What do I mean here by the word “ego”? I refer to the arrogant and egotistical part keeping me from a deeper relationship with God.

Did you know there are some specific things that may help us become masters of this beast? They help us follow God’s command to the Children of Israel, which Muslims and Christians must also follow because we all come through the same spiritual line:

[2:54] Recall that Moses said to his people, “O my people, you have wronged your souls by worshiping the calf. You must repent to your Creator. You shall kill your egos. This is better for you in the sight of your Creator.” He did redeem you. He is the Redeemer, Most Merciful.

In the last few years, a small group of my close spiritual family chose to follow only God’s commandments in the scriptures as the basis of our religion and in striving to kill our egos. A few of us had experience using the 12-steps that Alcoholics Anonymous originally formulated. We decided to see if we could combine them with verses from the Quran.

We put together a meeting format and wrote a series of 12 articles for the Masjid Tucson newsletter. If you want to read those articles, please click on this link.

Below is the most recent version of our meeting format:

A’udhu billahi minash shaitanir rajim [or] I seek refuge in God, from Satan the rejected.

My Lord, I seek refuge in You from the whispers of the devils. And I seek refuge in You, my Lord, lest they come near me. (Quran 23:97–98)

In the name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

Salaam Alaikum (Peace be upon you) dear all. Welcome to this Submitter’s 12-Step sharing. As we begin let us remember that we are here on earth because we failed to uphold God’s absolute power and sovereignty. We implore Him to guide each of us to grow our souls enough to be in His presence again. Now will all who like, please join me in reciting the Al-Fãtehah followed by the Serenity Prayer.

Al-Fãtehah [Sura or Chapter 1 of the Quran is titled The Key in its English translation — please note: the leader of the meeting for the week can chose to read this in Arabic or first in Arabic and then in English.]

Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

We come together now to share our experience, strength and hope in Submission and with the 12-steps. We are not here to talk about others, to condemn, criticize, advise or judge anyone. Our desire is to improve our own relationship with God by looking honestly at ourselves, by learning from each other, and by working to become more righteous so that we can grow to be able to turn our selves over to the care of God as we understand God.

Anonymity and confidentiality are necessary parts of the safety we work to create with each other. Whatever you hear at this meeting is shared only with the understanding that it will stay here. Who is here and what is said here needs to stay here (except for general pearls of wisdom).

Anyone may share, but no one should feel compelled to share. When speaking please be conscious of the others who may also wish to speak, so everyone has time to share. Also please remember that our job is to worry only about our own necks and keep the focus on God and ourselves.

Let us begin with the 12-steps that are suggested as a means of healing and growth. Each is tied to a Quranic verse. [Please note that we normally just read the step we are currently dealing with because we are also reading its verse. However, in most 12-step meetings all 12-steps are read aloud by the leader or others.]

The Steps with Quranic Verses

1. We admitted we were powerless over anything; that our lives had become unmanageable.

[30:41] Disasters have spread throughout the land and sea, because of what the people have committed. He thus lets them taste the consequences of some of their works, that they may return (to the right works).

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

[5:16] With it [the Quran], GOD guides those who seek His approval. He guides them to the paths of peace, leads them out of darkness into the light by His leave, and guides them in a straight path.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

[2:112] Indeed, those who submit themselves absolutely to GOD alone, while leading a righteous life, will receive their recompense from their Lord; they have nothing to fear, nor will they grieve.

4. Made a fearless and thorough moral inventory of ourselves.

[5:119] GOD will proclaim, “This is a day when the truthful will be saved by their truthfulness.” They have deserved gardens with flowing streams. They abide therein forever. GOD is pleased with them, and they are pleased with Him….

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.

[42:38] They respond to their Lord by observing the Contact Prayers (Salat). Their affairs are decided after due consultation among themselves, and from our provisions to them they give (to charity).

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

[3:147] Their only utterance was, “Our Lord, forgive us our sins, and our transgressions, strengthen our foothold, and grant us victory over the disbelievers.” (Please note : personally, I think of this as the disbelieving part of myself.)

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

[13:11] Shifts (of angels) take turns, staying with each one of you — they are in front of you and behind you. They stay with you, and guard you in accordance with GOD’s commands. Thus, GOD does not change the condition of any people unless they themselves make the decision to change. If GOD wills any hardship for any people, no force can stop it. For they have none beside Him as Lord and Master.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

[3:135] If they fall in sin or wrong their souls, they remember GOD and ask forgiveness for their sins—and who forgives the sins except GOD—and they do not persist in sins, knowingly.

9. Made direct amends to such people, wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

[17:53] Tell My servants to treat each other in best possible manner, for the devil will always try to drive a wedge among them. Surely, the devil is man’s most ardent enemy.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

[51:18] At dawn, they prayed for forgiveness.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

[7:205] You shall remember your Lord within yourself, publicly, privately, and quietly, day and night; do not be unaware.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
[41:33] Who can utter better words than one who invites to GOD, works righteousness, and says, “I am one of the submitters”?

If these steps seem daunting, do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to follow them perfectly. We are not perfect. These are steps to progress. We strive for progress not perfection. As we grow we realize that God is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

[About 5 minutes before the meeting close time the leader begins the closing:]

Thank you everyone for coming and for your input. Are there any burning desires to share before we close?

Please remember that for everyone to feel safe to share, whom you have heard here, and what was said here must be kept confidential.

Are there any specific prayer requests?

Now let us end with an. Al-Fãtehah, imploring that God answers our prayers and blesses each of us with His perfect guidance and healing and draws us closer to Him.

Al-Fãtehah.

Meetings can be held in person, over the Internet, or using phones. After going through the introductory portion of the format whoever leads the meeting usually asks if anyone has something to discuss. After that, we usually work through a series of questions, designed to help us think more deeply about the step we currently working on.

This format works for us, but everyone needs to find what works best for them. As the 12-step motto says: “Take what you like and leave the rest.” This motto matches the following verse:

[2:256] There shall be no compulsion in religion: the right way is now distinct from the wrong way. Anyone who denounces the devil and believes in GOD has grasped the strongest bond; one that never breaks. GOD is Hearer, Omniscient.

Thank you for reading this story. I pray that you find the information as useful as our group has.

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Lisa Spray
The Heart of Quran

I 💕nature, photography, writing & travel. I find deep sharing heals. All with sincere faith are my spiritual family. Editor: The ❤️of Quran. Join us there 🤝.