You’re Right, I’m Wrong: NO PROBLEM?

I like saying I’m wrong. It happens often, at least daily, sometimes hourly. It’s freeing to admit what you don’t know, profess that you are wrong, and ask others to disabuse you of your ignorance. But why do I feel that way? Is there something Carnegie is ignoring when he advises us to never tell others they are wrong while freely admitting when we are wrong?

Saying you are wrong freely and openly is part of the privilege of power. If there are no negative consequences from admitting you are wrong, then do so early and often. It will make you look stronger: “It takes a big man to admit mistakes.”

Notice the gendered tone of that expression? If a woman was in the same situation, openly and proudly pointing out her mistakes, would it allow her to gain more power? Or would it fit some kind of twisted gender double-standard in which making mistakes underscores (not so) latent beliefs that women are less competent than men? You can substitute sex/gender bias for racial, age, education, class, or any other identification.

Let’s complicate it a little more. Today, there is broad recognition and acceptance that women should have equal power to men (or, to correct for historic imbalances, MORE POWER). Thus a woman admitting she is wrong doesn’t underscore that women are less competent. Instead, it underscores a backlash against gender stereotypes. “Why is this women playing into the hands of these stereotypes? When she admits she is wrong, she is just being subservient to men. How distasteful.” Meanwhile, a man who does the same thing is acting to correct biases. “It’s so refreshing to see a man who can admit his mistakes.”

It’s no fault of Carnegie’s that he didn’t pick up on these dynamics when writing in the 1930s. But today… it’s a lot of what’s on my mind when thinking about the rightness and wrongness of my actions and trying to follow Carnegie’s principles.