Contemplating the happy medium, in the journey of inner growth (by Nadine JL)

Day 26: Go for the Happy Medium

A Letter To you, Dear “Disappointed.”

Nadine JL
Nadine JL
Sep 9, 2018 · 8 min read

If you’re anything like me, I’ll bet you’re disappointed with a lot of things.

Maybe you’re disappointed, for example, that Medium’s algorithms showed you a post like “The Easy 3 Bucket System to Win at Writing,” at the top of your feed this morning, when first of all, you just came here intending to write, so you don’t want or need the distraction (although that same author, in that same post, is even promoting his own book on finding focus, which appears to be a derivative of the very well-known and critically acclaimed book Deep Work, by Cal Newport, or perhaps of a 2014 article called The Art of Focus by David Brooks, in the New York Times), and second of all, because you happen to know that this exact concept has been written about before, by someone else (“How To Get Your Writing Done Every Day: The 3 Bucket System,” by Jeff Goins). Thirdly, if you click the link in the “offending” post, which leads to the author’s own website, his “own” system professes to actually use four buckets —which, who knows, might possibly be better.

Maybe you’re disappointed not that someone chooses to write about the same or similar concept as someone else, but that they don’t give credit where credit is due. And you know this is a common theme; many people “Steal Like an Artist” (haven’t read it yet, but it’s a creativity book by Austin Kleon, in case you’ve never heard of it), and they make a lot of money doing that. While sometimes, it seems (though it’s not necessarily true) that the more honest you try to be, the less profit you’ll make. That can also be truly disappointing.

Or maybe, you’re disappointed with your own capacity for disappointment.

Maybe you do realize that all that small stuff simply isn’t worth sweating (book by Richard Carlson, 1997; thanks to my friend Jessica for giving it to me back then). Maybe you are fully aware that the authors of the original concepts themselves wouldn’t even be worried about people “stealing” their ideas, because they’re too busy working on other ideas (which, they are fully aware, others will also later “steal”).

Or maybe, you are fully aware that this is just one way that the great CPU (what I call the “Creative Power of the Universe”), a.k.a. God, Allah, and so on, ensures that these beautiful concepts get seeded throughout the collective consciousness.

But for some damned reason (—more on profanity later—), even though you know all that, you’re disappointed that there are still people out there who steal, or who inadvertently don’t give credit. And that makes you disappointed that the world is the way it is; i.e. you realize it’s imperfect, so of course there are people out there who steal; people who feel they have to, in order to survive, because their lives perhaps are truly difficult, as their own parents’ may have been difficult, before that, or perhaps, at least, they perceive them to be; or perhaps they simply don’t know better or even realize they’re doing it.

And because you’re aware of all this, you know you shouldn’t be disappointed at all.

Maybe you were raised to be a “good girl,”or boy, as your own mother or father might have been raised to be a good girl or boy, and you know that good girls and boys aren’t supposed to feel disappointment. “Chin up,” “Get over it,” “Focus on the positive,” and so on.

So you’re beating yourself up, for feeling disappointed with so many things in life. If you’re in mid-life, like I am, maybe you’re feeling some disillusionment and disappointment with the longest part of most real-life stories— the part that comes after the “happily ever after,” the unwritten part after the final page of the fairytale. Maybe you’re really lucky, and you’ve got everything that’s supposed to make a woman (or man, for that matter) happy: partner, kids, house, career.

Luck, or good fortune, is in fact, the original definition of the word “happy”:

Happy (adj.): late 14c., “lucky, favored by fortune, being in advantageous circumstances, prosperous;” of events, “turning out well,” from hap(n.) “chance, fortune” + -y (2). Sense of “very glad” first recorded late 14c. Meaning “greatly pleased and content” is from 1520s.[…] From Greek to Irish, a great majority of the European words for “happy” at first meant “lucky.” […] — The Online Etymology Dictionary

So why do you still want more, when you’ve already been so lucky, or fortunate? You must be a bad person, right? Greedy, selfish, insatiable.

Well, this one is easy to dissect. First of all, anyone successful knows that “good fortune” later in life is of course usually hard won, by your own hard work. Basically, you’ve been working hard, and you’re seeing that the hard work doesn’t seem to stop. And secondly, perception in this matter all comes down to that one word:

Happily.

If you expect to live happily “ever after,” you’re going to be deeply disappointed. Buddhists, for example, talk about “The 4 Noble Truths,” and the first Truth is “There is Suffering.” We are all going to suffer. Even those of us who aren’t Buddhist can see that’s true. Unless you’ve already reached nirvana, in which case you’re unlikely to be reading this article, you’re going to suffer at least a little every single day; when, for example, it’s time to stop doing an activity that is pleasing to you (such as reading, or writing).


The way that Buddhist precepts instruct people to deal with this, is to accept the fact that suffering is a normal part of life.

This can be a difficult concept to absorb.

Because, if we skip to the end of the Buddhist model of the four truths, we’ll see that the Fourth Noble Truth states there is a way to end suffering, and reach nirvana, which is through the Eightfold Path: “right view, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, right concentration.”

Well, you might think, “SHIT.”

Shit, we’ve already failed, when we feel disappointed, haven’t we? Because this means our view isn’t right, our effort isn’t right, our mindfulness (full presence and consciousness in the moment) isn’t right, which means we’re not concentrating properly; not focussing on the positive. (Not to mention that if you’re like me, your internal speech damn well isn’t right, either, for fuck’s sakes.)

Yet, we know we have so many positive things to be grateful for.

Enter the seemingly endless cycle of suffering. We feel bad, we feel bad for feeling bad, we feel worse, and so on.

But the trick, according to the four noble truths, is to accept what is, in the moment.

Acceptance is truly the key to entering the path of so-called “right living.”

For example, I can look at my internal (and sometimes, external) swearing habit (sometimes I call it “Tourette’s-in-my-head”), and I can beat myself up for it (as I often do), like this:

“I’m so rough-minded. I’m so wrong. I’m not ladylike. I’m not a ‘good girl,’ like my parents raised me to be. I must be a disappointment, to them. I’m not a good professional, I’m not a good role model, I’m not a good parent, I’ve got no self-control.”

Or, I can look forgivingly, lovingly even, at the “Tourette’s-in-my-head,” and say to myself:

“I swear sometimes. Especially in my head. That is part of who I am, in this moment. It makes sense that this is a part of my mentality. I grew up in a neighbourhood, and attended a school, where most of the kids and many of the adults swore (outside the classroom, at least), nearly all the time.

“Their speech entered my consciousness, and at the time, I learned to survive by adapting my own speech to fit in.

“But this ability to adapt had many positive effects on my life. I am now able to communicate easily with a wide variety of people at varying levels of consciousness and awareness, and I have less of a tendency to judge others based on their way of speaking.”

Acceptance. But also, self-acceptance. These are key processes in moving past mere self-awareness, and evolving to a state of consciousness that surpasses where we are, now. As the old adage goes, we need to forgive ourselves, if we hope to ever be able to forgive others, and exist in peace.

Maybe the trick is not not expect to be happy, but to instead go for the happy medium; ‘the golden mean.’

“In ancient Greek philosophy, especially that of Aristotle, the golden mean or golden middle way is the desirable middle between two extremes, one of excess and the other of deficiency. / For example, in the Aristotelian view, courage is a virtue, but if taken to excess would manifest as recklessness, and, in deficiency, cowardice.” — Wikipedia, the Golden Mean.

At the moment, for example, I have to accept the fact that my writing time is nearly over, and I must go back to doing other things. So I’ve got to finish this concept off somehow, for now, instead of developing it perfectly.

Here goes:

Be aware of your in-between: That is, your exact place, here, and now, on your own journey. You struggled long and hard to get here.

Love yourself, accept yourself, as you are, in this moment. Then, this moment will become golden, and expand, and the love and acceptance inside this moment will expand to those around you.

xo N

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Post image: I made this by taking a digital photo of a Buddha statue and potted orchid in our kitchen/living room window sill, then using iPad Sketchbook app and Apple Pencil to trace over parts of the photo (and or modify/add things here and there). Although I happen to have iOS/Apple products, so that’s what I used, I believe this type of image can be achieved with Android or non-digital tools as well (e.g. any image, some tracing paper and a pencil)… either way, it’s a fun and meditative diversion, especially when one “should” be doing something else instead, and I highly recommend it. ;)

Next up: Day 27: A Player for the People

Previous Post: Day 25: Fairy Godmother (Pisane Winem)

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Notes/refs:

  • Process notes: Typed directly into Medium’s text editor, over a session of a few hours. For me it’s not so much the writing that takes time, but the attempt at accurate referencing/linking. Perhaps that’s why so many writers don’t do it. Although, if we/they were to actually use the 3 (or 4) bucket system, perhaps they would have time… ;-))
  • [Later edit:] More on profanity: I love this little interview with Tony Robbins, by Cat Greenleaf on NBC New York. (Whether Tony swears or not, dogs sure seem to like him. And Cat’s shoes are to die for.) …And as for perfectionism: In Cat Greenleaf’s words, at the end of that interview, “perfection is for f — —” [bleeped out. I’m going to guess “f*ckheads”]. Personally, I’m tired of being a perfectionistic f*ckhead. How ‘bout you? Now, let’s go create something.

Nadine inhales & exhales words & images from her current vantage point in the Zone of Emptiness, France. If you wish to contribute and/or show appreciation, please clap and/or comment. Thank you for reading. 🖤

The Hermit Crab Files

A crabby hermit commits to writing 500 words and hitting "Publish," for 31 days.

Nadine JL

Written by

Nadine JL

Inhaling & exhaling words & images from current vantage point in Zone of Emptiness, France.- ̶T̶a̶g̶l̶i̶n̶e̶ ̶c̶h̶a̶m̶e̶l̶e̶o̶n̶.̶- Moved to bloomwords.com

The Hermit Crab Files

A crabby hermit commits to writing 500 words and hitting "Publish," for 31 days.

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