10 unmistakable signs you’re turning 40

10. Your back is just garbage now:

Not metaphorically. Your back, which used to only spasm during an intense workout session or while helping your best friend move apartments, is now showing up on x-rays as a bunch of fused-together pieces of garbage. You throw it out when you sneeze or get the hiccups, and it’s turning to dust as you read this.

9. You’ve started to identify with characters’ parents:

Back in the day, you used to passionately relate to the characters in all your favorite teen sex mysteries. Now? You’re yelling at the screen, wondering why these motherfucking children don’t just tell their parents what’s going ON already. You throw popcorn at Archie on Riverdale and chuck Good n’ Plenty at your TV while watching Pretty Little Liars, screamingCome ON, Hannah; your mom boned that cop to keep you from being arrested! Just tell her the freaking truth already!”

8. Your fantasies have a new theme:

Your fantasy life, which used to star the likes of Channing Tatum and Mila Kunis, now increasingly centers on sleep. Gone are the elaborate daydreams of Lloyd Dobler showing up with a boom box, or getting abducted alongside Fox Mulder. Now, you sit at work thinking about what it would be like to sleep for three days straight. Or, failing that, to just stay in bed for a full day while watching the extended Lord of the Rings trilogy. Sometimes you even daydream about breaking a limb just to get some goddamn REST.

7. You use your gym as a public bathroom:

You signed up for the gym just before the New Year, beating all those “resoluntioneers” by a month. You scoffed when the personal trainer told you that you should sign up for classes because so many people don’t fully utilize the gym. But, these days, you’re checking in to use the bathroom and then swiftly ducking out, thinking: “Ha! Now they’ll think I used the gym. But I totally didn’t!” Now that you have all this time after skipping the gym, you might as well get a cronut.

6. Your references have come around again as “vintage.”

Increasingly, you’re noticing children talking about books, movies and shows that were popular in your day — Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Powerpuff Girls, and even Barney. You think to yourself: “Hey, I can’t be that old if kids are still talking about these relics from my childhood!” But, the sad truth is, you’re SO old that the references have come around again. Retro-cool. As in you’re retro. As in OLD.

5. Your health conditions are now “age related”:

When you went to get that weird-looking vein checked out, you assumed (as anyone would) that it was Hantavirus. But then your doctor tells you the angry blue vein is a “sign of age.” AGE! How dare she? But then you throw your neck out by grabbing a wine glass off of a tall shelf, or your knee pops out of place while you’re lightly stretching. Yep. This is what you have to look forward to now.

4. You’re suddenly and legitimately into children’s programming:

When you became a parent, you figured that all of those kid’s shows would drive you crazy. All the parents talk about it. What they don’t tell you is that you will one day become so invested in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic that you will actually pee yourself when Twilight Sparkle gets her wings. PEE WILL HAPPEN.

3. Your emotions are dictated by product availability at Trader Joe’s:

You could be single and on the prowl or married with five kids, but, at forty, Trader Joe’s is your happy place. It’s just the right blend of new products (without being Whole Foods and it’s eight FUCKING dollar asparagus water) and samples (without the big-box feel of Costco). The only problem? They will, mercilessly and without warning, remove your favorite foods. They will lure you with the promise of seasonal items, only to cancel them the following year. When you find yourself weeping over that “tea with the Christmas lemur on it” that is suddenly and forever out of stock, you just know you’re turning forty.

2. Embarrassment over bodily functions is a thing of the past:

When you’re in your twenties, that scene in Sex and the City where Carrie accidentally farts in front of Mr. Big totally resonates. “Oh my GOD,” you think. “That is literally the most embarrassing thing that could happen!” By forty, however, you can’t wait to tell your spouse about the shit you just took that made it above the water line. Poop-knife level stuff right there.

1. You’re finding the Trivago guy increasingly attractive:

Yes, this is the number one sign you are turning forty. At first, when you saw the Trivago guy, you thought: “Who’s this middle-aged rando pitching me vacation packages?” But, over time, you’ve come to see the Trivago guy as the barely-silver fox he really is. Trivago guy and a bottle of Pinot in Napa at reasonable prices? SIGN ME UP.


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