12 health facts about the healthiest human in the history of health
President Trump’s official physical
Good afternoon. I am here on behalf of the four doctors who conducted President Trump’s physical. As per the president’s request, each of us examined him independently and compared our results. We told him it was unnecessary, but the president loves science so much that he insisted upon replicability and peer review.
Here are our consensus findings:
- Donald Trump is 6'8" and weighs 211 pounds.
- His cognition is more impressive than the scale could measure.
- In his eye test, he read the smallest letters from way across the room.
- He is more intelligent than Stephen Hawking. And a better athlete.
- He has no muscle-to-fat ratio, because you cannot divide by zero.
- His skin is resistant to extreme heat and cold.
- He can dunk from a sitting position.
- The CDC regularly injects him with viruses to harvest his antibodies.
- He beat Michael Phelps in a 100-yard — America first! — freestyle race using the doggy paddle.
- He had cancer 17 times, but his body’s natural radiation cured him before it spread.
- When his erections last for more than four hours, he does not need to contact a doctor.
- Finally, it is our official medical opinion that President Trump is, like, really smart.