13 unavoidable changes caused by the 2017 elections

Get ready, America

Election Day 2017 is in the books, and Democrats won big, including the night’s marquee race for governor of Virginia.

As a result, the following 13 changes will be enacted immediately. Elections have consequences.

  1. MS-13 gets a big government contract to melt down conservative statues.
  2. Every NFL player, owner and spectator must kneel during the national anthem.
  3. Illegal immigrants will be paid with health insurance to block entrances to coal mines.
  4. Every bathroom is a transgendered bathroom.
  5. All automated phone systems must say “press 2 for English.” Yes, 2.
  6. A new Pledge of Allegiance, written by Ta-Nehisi Coates.
  7. Men must admit that Wonder Woman is stronger than Superman and cooler than Batman.
  8. Gay wedding cakes. Gay wedding cakes for all!
  9. The United States is now a safe space, with all public discourse vetted by students from Berkeley, Wesleyan and Oberlin.
  10. Editorial control of Breitbart turned over to Antifa.
  11. Good guys must give their guns to the government, which will then redistribute them to MS-13.
  12. Even poorer ethics in gaming journalism.
  13. Sharia law. Obviously.
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