22 things you should worry about (but probably won’t)

  1. My resting heart rate.
    I’m sure it’s fine. My doctor talks to me in a calm voice every checkup. Maybe I should pay more attention to the numbers he shows me. But any bad ones would appear in red, right?
  2. Asteroids. 
    One could be headed for us right now. Ignorance, however, is bliss.
  3. Hemorrhoids.
    What are they even? Sounds like a guy thing. Whatever I have to look up clearly isn’t happening to me. So no worries.
  4. The wage gap. 
    I’m pretty sure I’m the laziest person at my work anyway. If I start complaining for more money, that’ll just draw attention. They’ll want to know what I actually do around here.
  5. My student debt. 
    Hey, I’m making the minimum payments. One time, I got worried that my loans might transfer to my grand kids. But I’ve found absolutely nothing on Google to support that fear.
  6. The 2018 midterm elections.
    I’ve heard the Russians plan to meddle in our democracy again. But Americans never fall for the same trick twice. Sure, once. But never more than that.
  7. My deductible. 
    If I contract a rare terminal disease, I’ll just take out a few extra credit cards and a big loan. I’ll make sure I die alone, and that way Chase will just have to take one up the ass.
  8. Auto care. 
    My car doesn’t make any weird sounds. I just wait until one of the engine lights comes on. Then I drive to my dealership, tell the repair guys my dashboard is glowing, and then let them take care of the rest. Car ownership’s simple like that.
  9. Acid rain.
    They’ll make a special umbrella for that. Honestly, I haven’t heard a peep about acid rain since Captain Planet.
  10. My retirement fund. 
    TIAA-CRAP or whoever sends me an envelope every month. The numbers look fine.
  11. Social Security.
    I’ve written that one off as a lost cause. It doesn’t bother me. Especially since I plan to keep working until I drop dead, sometime in my late 70s. I’d like a quick, unexpected death please.
  12. My credit score.
    Let’s just say that it makes my IQ score look pretty darn good by comparison.
  13. Identity theft.
    See above. I couldn’t give my identity away. Not even the witness protection program wants it.
  14. Pandas
    They’re cute. We have enough videos of them for future generations. Same goes for koalas.
  15. Diet soda.
    C’mon. Zero calories. Zero sugar. Zero glutens. Everyone knows it’s the glutens you have to keep an eye on.
  16. Climate change. 
    Look, I recycle. I tweet about global warming passionately. I shared that polar bear video like five times. There’s literally nothing else I can do.
  17. Cancer
    That only happens to people who smoke.
  18. The national debt.
    If I don’t care about my own debt, why would I care about someone else’s?
  19. Public education.
    Let’s imagine I plan to have a child. My state ranks somewhere near the bottom. Whatever. Home schooling sounds easier anyway.
  20. Human trafficking.
    Liam Neeson solved that problem. If someone kidnaps your loved one, repeat that opening monologue where he talks about a particular set of skills. They’ll back way off.
  21. Freedom of speech.
    That’s a football thing, right?
  22. Poverty.
    I gave someone a $5 bill yesterday. That makes me practically a saint. Most people don’t even carry cash anymore.