1. Do not rest on the machines.
Let me put this another way, more to the point: Do not fucking rest on the fucking machines. Congratulations on being retired. Or whatever else it is that got you over the hump that allows you to have no consideration for those that efficiently use exercise machines.
For the rest of us, however, we got things to do and places to be. Don’t rest on a machine in-between sets. Ever. If you finished a set and aren’t about to attack another one in less than 10 seconds, do not stay seated on the machine. It’s gym etiquette 101.
Fitness clubs: Help your patrons out. Put a big sign up on your wall that says “Do not rest on the exercise machines.” Don’t make it a sign with all your other rules. Build it so it is big and visible as a standalone message. You can add a “please,” but that’s a level of courtesy I no longer have, having had to stew waiting for grandpa fuckstick or suzy lipstick while they park their unmoving asses on machines that other people could use.
I don’t want to have to talk to you. I don’t want to have to give you stink-eye and hope you can figure the fuck out that you’re being an asshole. Know the etiquette and be courteous, so I don’t have to be decidedly un-courteous.
2. Wipe the machine down before you get on.
Human beings are disgusting. They are also inconsiderate. They don’t properly wipe away their sweaty-and-worse filth after they’ve used a machine. Protect yourself.
3. Wipe the machine down after you’re finished.
Human beings are disgusting. You are a human being. You are disgusting. But you are also considerate. Wipe the machine down with a cleansing cloth that you keep in your pocket, or tucked into your waistband or — I don’t give a shit where you keep it; just make sure you have one. Your gym should have them available. If they don’t, get a new gym.
4. Do not talk to me when I’m lifting.
Is the building on fire? Is an earthquake occurring? If the answer to those questions is “no,” then do not fucking try to fucking talk to me in the middle of a fucking lift. I’m not here having fun. I’m doing some decidedly un-fun activities that I need to aggressively focus on so I can get them behind me for the day.
We can be friendly at other times. I’m easy like Sunday morning when I’m not lifting. Which I assume is pretty obvious to all right now.
5. You didn’t reserve the machine
There is no machine ownership other than you being on a machine and putting it into motion. Do not leave your towel, water bottle, head phones, cup or good-god-damn-common-sense behind on a machine because you intend to come back to it. Or for any reason. Keep your shit out of the way and with you at all times. And if you do forget to bring your crap with you when you walked away, do not think for a second it entitles you to get back on said machine before any other non fucking assholes might get to it.
And with that, you now know how to work out at any gym. I hope to see you there.*
© Julian Rogers | @thehitjob
* My mother told me I should say civil-sounding things like this. She did not require me to mean it.