A pumpkin spice horoscope
Your stock is falling
Cucurbius, born late September to late November.
Extremely resilient, very thick skin. You can let almost anything roll of your back. It takes a lot to break you entirely, and when that happens it’s almost always explosive. There’s a warm charm to you, you make everyone around you feel welcome, if not youthful. You find safety in numbers.
Your horoscope for 2018:
While you’ve enjoyed immense popularity over the last 4–5 years due to the planets Pinterest and Instagram aligning in your 5th house, you must take care to enjoy every last drop of this limelight, as, with all things, it cannot last forever. A social media retrograde comes for everyone.
You quietly, patiently flavored holiday desserts and decorated doorsteps for decades, you absolute oak. Never asking for more than the occasional candle to light you from within, perfectly content to be the least-eaten pie. Certainly you never dreamed you’d take seasonal center stage.
But the constellation Starbucks had something different in mind for you. You were to sweeten and spice not just the lattes of the basic American bitch, but soon her whole world. From warm drinks to bath bombs to the most unholy of unions like potato chips, it seemed that you’d reached your true potential, at last. There would be no corner of fall you couldn’t conquer, no Trader Joe’s aisle left unturned. They even made pre-packaged ravioli out of you, you legend.
But that’s why this year’s horoscope is especially vital for you to read. You must take care to breathe in every moment that remains in the current social media star alignment, because nothing last forever, except Supreme Court appointments.
By this time next year, it will be back to the spice cabinet with you, where you’ll be sought out but once, perhaps twice in a year, whereupon those who have need of you will tilt their heads and ponder as to how long spices stay good for.
During that time you’ll do well to reflect on your years of popularity, and wonder if there was something you did too much of or not enough that made your star burn so brightly, so fast. But it was not you, dear Cucurbius, it was the nature of things. It was a culture of consumption and content constantly hungry, never satiated, not even by the most comforting of seasonings. You’re an astrological prom dress, and you’ve already been worn.
So in this, the year of our Sanderson Sisters 2018, take caution and know that your cycle of superiority is ending. The world has flocked to your banner and ‘grammed it, but it will soon starve for a flavor and theme of another sort. So it goes when everyone lives with a camera and a stage in their pocket, ’tis written in the stars.
You may wonder what the world will do without you during the crisp fall months, as they don plaid and lightweight jackets and visit farms and pick way more fruit than they have use for. Looking at your chart now it is clear what will befall the pedestal you were once placed upon until someone noticed in early December that you were beginning to rot. Classic Apple Cider and Dark Maple are hot on your heels, and they too want a taste of the action.