ELMO 2020 — An unlikely star rises on the left
After much upheaval in the Democratic Party following the 2016 election, party members on the left realized it was time to hit the ground running with a candidate that could beat human dick factory Donald J. Trump in the 2020 election.
Would the front-runner be Cory Booker? Nope, not progressive enough for those still fervently supporting Larry David, er … Bernie Sanders. Elizabeth Warren? Alas, no. Although she’d be an amazing choice, Warren seems uninterested in running despite the broken hearts of millions — she seems much more interested in doing her job. Boring! Could the next candidate be up-and-comer Kamala Harris? Possibly, but let’s not forget that she fails to appeal to the moderate crowd, what with her radical idea that immigrants are human beings.
So, what are the options for 2017 Democrats? The clock ticking, they turned to a surprisingly large voting population: tired parents. “Fucking ELMO,” incomparably tired parent Katryn Alice Sandry said vehemently when interviewed by national news about the “Tired Parent Vote.” “It has to be Elmo. He’s cute, he’s liberal-minded, and most importantly, he keeps my kid busy for 30-minute blocks so that I can drag my ass around the house, clean up, make dinner, and collapse into a fetal position until bedtime.”
“Elmo is clearly the best monster for the job,” says another tired parent, Brian Gloomberg. “You know why? Have you seen those number of the day bits? Letter of the day? That’s right. Unlike our current president, Elmo can fucking SPEAK and DO MATH.” Gloomberg nods his head curtly as if to illustrate his point and then appears to fall asleep on camera.
Sources have confirmed that tired parents are right — Elmo CAN do math, as evidenced by the following scene:
Following these mounting interviews, the seemingly millions of tired parents shuffled together in food-stained shirts and sweatpants to form the TPP, or Tired Parents Party. Since its formation, the TPP has gained an unprecedented number of followers, surpassing even the American Independent Party. While there are some varying points of view within TPP, it tends to skew socially liberal because, as one tired parent, Arianna Fantini, notes: “Why should I care if someone who used to be a dude a million years ago is in the ladies’ room when I can’t even take a shit without my toddler busting in and jumping on my lap?”
Further research into TPP’s endorsed candidate reveals that Elmo may actually have as much experience as Trump himself. Katryn Alice Sandry, founder of the TPP fills 60 Minutes reporter Lesley Stahl in. “Okay, check it:,” she says, absentmindedly picking Cheerios out of her hair and visibly drunk with exhaustion, “Elmo has ALREADY been president. Yeah, yeah, it was in a fantasy musical created by his sidekick, Velvet. But he KILLED it. He was maybe the best president I’ve ever seen. Well, since Obama.”
The fact can’t be escaped that Elmo’s candidacy would be another “first” in the white house: America’s first monster President. Numerous polls among Americans in both major parties seem to prefer a monster president to a female one, with the leftists complaining about Hillary’s book ruining their chances in 2018 and collectively killing their boners, and conservatives mumbling about “having nuclear codes while on your period.”
“Watching ‘President: the Musical’ was when I really saw it,” co-founder of TPP Brian Gloomberg tells our sources. “Elmo was given the chance to show his leadership skills, and — well, let’s just say he blew Trump out of the water in the first musical number.” Elmo the Musical’s “President: the Musical” was actually from a 2012 episode of Sesame Street, but polls of voters aligned with the Tired Parent Party show that an inordinately large number don’t remember what year it is.
“Elmo gets right in there and does the work,” Katryn Alice Sandry tells Stahl. “He hires a diverse cabinet, including people of color and sheep. Because sheep are people too!” Sandry trails off, snorting and mumbling the word ‘sheeple.’ She then rifles through her purse for half a minute, pulls out a sippy cup filled with evidently curdled milk, and falls back on the couch in an apparent coma. After the commercial break, and the appearance of what looks like an IV bag filled with coffee, Sandry continued her plug. “He gets along with other branches of government, he gets his hands dirty, and he certainly doesn’t tweet about Telly dissing him at three-am from his golden toilet in Mar-a-Lago.”
“When all the number ones go missing,” tired parent Graham Cullen clarifies in a recent article in the Post, “Elmo gets out there and solves the problem. He uses math, he uses diplomacy, and he fucking gets the job done. I couldn’t believe it. At the end of the episode … it felt like I was watching Jesus.”
When major Democratic party members gathered for a private viewing of Elmo the Musical’s president episode, sources say enthusiasm for the candidate was high. “That is one charismatic fucking monster,” Joe Biden was heard saying to DNC vice-chair Keith Ellison over a shared bag of multicolored cheddar Goldfish. So far, the buzz in the party has been that the DNC is ready to throw their weight behind Elmo.
The next hurdle, of course, will be determining if a preschool-age monster can run as a thirty-five year old human. Conservatives are already spreading word of a new “birther movement” for Elmo, questioning whether or not “monster years” should be applied in a U.S. election, and also reveling in false monster equivalencies such as Godzilla and Pinhead. This, of course, immediately drew the snarky hashtag #notallmonsters.
Only time will tell whether or not Elmo has the chops to beat a sitting president in 2020. Right now, the monster seems unstoppable in the polls, and in our hearts. When asked to comment, Elmo giggled furiously as if being tickled and stated: “Elmo would be happy to serve! If Elmo is president, everybody will get along and get free cookies from Hooper’s store! Also, Elmo’s best friend is a fairy! Abby can do magic so no more climate change! Yeaaah-hahahaaa!!” If Elmo’s words, as well as the rapidly rising numbers of the Tired Parent Party are any indication, we could be looking at Elmo in the white house in three short years.
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