Are you smarter than a 72-year-old orange? Volume II

The oranges story of an American president

julian rogers
Apr 3 · 4 min read

1. Do windmills cause cancer?

a) No.

b) Yes.

c) If you have a windmill anywhere near your house, congratulations your house just went down 75% in value.

d) When the wind stops blowing, that is the end of your electric.

2. How do you pronounce the word that means the point at which something comes into existence or from which it is derived?

a) Origin.

b) Oranges.

c) Waitress.

d) Goboomboom.

3. Was your father born in Germany?

a) No.

b) Ja.

c) New York. Germany. What’s the difference?

d) If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. It’s up to you New Dusseldorf.

4. Is it ever fair to criticize a political opponent over the size of their neck?

a) Adam Schiff says hello.

b) I call him pencil neck.

c) He’s got the smallest, thinnest neck I’ve ever seen. He is not a long-ball hitter.

d) It’s not the size of man’s neck that matters. It’s how mushroomy his penis is.

5. If people you’ve played golf with nickname you “Pele” because you keep getting caught kicking your errant golf balls back onto the fairway, is that humiliating?

a) Not humiliating enough.

b) No. You’re the loser!

c) The art of the cheat.

d) You lie the ball where it plays.

6. How much better than Obamacare is the Republican plan for healthcare?

a) 0-for-48 failed Republican attempts to repeal Obamacare.

b) The Republican party will be known as the Party of Great HealtCare.

c) Actually, it’s up to 0-for-60.

d) Check that. It’s more than 70.

7. We should close the border!

a) Don’t be an idiot.

b) That’ll show ‘em! Those Mexican countries won’t know what hit ‘em!

c) Right! Border security personnel are not already stressed enough.

d) Billions in economic losses, plant shutdowns & job losses are not my problem.

8. We should de-fund The Special Olympics!

a) Are you a cartoon villain?

b) Mwoooh hahaha!

c) What’s more important? $17.6 million for the Special Olympics or four trips to Mar-A-Lago?

d) It was actually “someone else in her department” who came up with the Special Olympics cut.

9. How many times will the Trumpists fall for Trump creating or exacerbating a problem, then propose a populist/racist/nationalist solution for it and then congratulate himself when he “solves” it?

a) Fucking hell.

b) I’ll let you know when I get there.

c) Make ‘Merica Grate Agin’

d) Promises made. Promises kept.

10. If your hand-picked political appointee, whom you hired because he volunteered a legal opinion that sitting presidents cannot be indicted for obstruction of justice, publishes a letter about the Mueller investigation that states “… it also does not exonerate him,” are you then exonerated?

a) No.

b) TOTAL EXONERATION.

c) No collusion. They’re the criminals! Let’s take away healthcare from 20 million-plus needy Americans!

d) Sure, we met with Russians. And we lied about it. And we gave them intel. And we asked publicly for their help. And they gave it. But they weren’t Russian government officials. So there. We’re clean.

11. Who is the chief executive officer of Apple Inc.?

a) Tim Cook.

b) Tim Apple.

c) Fake News. I was saving time by calling him “Tim from Apple.”

d) Jeff Amazon.

Answers

If you answered “A” to these, you’re in hell right now.

If you answered “B” to all of these, congratulations, Donald Trump. You aced your test. Maybe you should start a university?

If you answered “C” or “D,” you’re still in hell.

Take the first quiz:

The Hit Job

humor | culture | football | trouble

julian rogers

Written by

Maker of words and other annoyances. Communicator for hire. Owner of Juju Eye Communications + publisher of The Hit Job. Twitter: (@thejujueye).

The Hit Job

humor | culture | football | trouble