The Hit Job
Published in

The Hit Job

British prime minister calls ‘fake news’ on the European Union

Theresa May implores British electorate not to be influenced by any institutions that aren’t her own political party

From the New Statesmen

Theresa May, Britain’s current inter-dimensional space demon — or as she likes to be known — Prime Minister, has just accused the EU of trying to affect the upcoming UK election by promoting stories that “misrepresent Britain’s negotiating position in Europe.”

I’m sorry for shouting, BUT COULD EVERYONE JUST STOP TRYING TO INFLUENCE ELECTIONS, PLEASE?

There. I said it. Someone had to say it, and it was me. Actually, I suppose that’s what this blog’s for. Huh.

Anyway, I don’t want to get “meta” with you, I just want to say: STOP TRYING TO INFLUENCE ELECTIONS.

I’ve said it twice now, but it really bears repeating.

Everyone’s at it. The Russians are it. The “bureaucrats of Brussels” are at it. Even my own mother said something rather disparaging about Theresa May over dinner last night.

Well, sorry Mum, but I need to make my own decisions now.

I’m going to do the only thing any of us should do: listen to my heart. That’s how I’ll decide who to vote for in the UK election.

This shouldn’t be difficult. My heart knows what it wants, and it doesn’t fuck around. It likes short, pertinent blog posts. It sinks when it sees the phrase “8 min read.”

My heart tells me I can only vote for one of two candidates. Anyone who knows anything about elections knows you can’t vote for the third one. The third one’s for those people at parties who smell funny and grab you by the shoulder, exclaiming “we’re all just molecules, maannnnnn,” as you desperately try to get to where all the normal people are.

My heart judges people based mainly on their appearance. Let’s do that now:

The current leader of the Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn, always has an expression on his face like your girlfriend’s dad would if you were looking for the bathroom in her parents’ house and you accidentally walked into the study to find him rereading volume II of Das Kapital and underlining certain passages very neatly with a ruler. My heart likes this about him.

Theresa May, as we have established, is an inter-dimensional space demon, and as such she can assume many different forms. (That could really come in handy during Brexit negotiations.…)

Apologies, I was thinking for a moment back there.

My head says May, but my heart says Corbyn.

Over the next few weeks I will have to decide which body part is more important, and potentially start thinking about having the other one removed.

Please follow me on this journey.

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humor | culture | football | trouble

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Existential Trout

Existential Trout

Always swimming upstream

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