BUILD THE WALL! (No, not that one)

Trump’s slogan is right on; it’s just the location that’s wrong

Matt Cowan
Oct 5, 2019 · 4 min read
Photo by Charlie Deets on Unsplash

It’s clear that our society has never been more polarized. We’ve gotten a good look at each other the past three years, be it how far members of our family are willing to support the undermining of democracy in order to keep things white, or that people we thought we trusted secretly enjoyed The Last Jedi and the final season of Game of Thrones.

Either way, we’ve seen too much and there’s no going back.

What should we do? Work hard to combat fake news and misinformation, try to come together by meeting in the middle and hearing what the other side has to say in order to solve the existential threats that define this era?


Thanks to social media, and media in general, shit is only going to get worse. If half of us are convinced that the President is an angel sent to save us us all, whereas the rest of us see him for the peach-flavored racist he so clearly is, what hope is there?

It’s simple: BUILD THE WALL.

Now, do not fret my fellow libtard snowflakes, not the racist wall to keep asylum seekers out of our homogeneously white citadel on the hill. No, I’m talking about the wall that will solve all our problems: one that runs from north to south, cutting the country in half. There will be two sides: East and West.

Or, if you prefer: Left and Right.

That’s how the British Empire would have done it (if they hadn’t been chased from the continent).

For those of you living on the Left Coast, rejoice! Your fellow woke citizens will join you shortly. Of course, there is the problem of those of you still attached to your homes back Right, be they New York, Chicago or Miami.

But, is saying goodbye to everything you’ve ever known and loved really such a big price to pay? Take Broadway with you, baby!

Just imagine living in a country where coming up behind someone wearing a red baseball cap means you no longer have to prepare yourself for a fucking ordeal.

Those on the Right will be able to rest easy as they will no longer have a border with Mexico (of course, this will leave them without any scapegoats to blame for all of their societal ills, so watch out, Canada!). The Left can open things up wide and let the people flow in unhindered… until they realize that having a (sane) immigration policy is not actually racist.

But hey, until then: party time!

Each side can come up with their own laws concerning climate change, gun control, women’s reproductive rights, police accountability, taxation, voting rights, healthcare and what to do with Kanye West.

Then we can sit back and see which side prospers (if any).

Now, there will be problems.

It must be mentioned that the Wall will be a cool 1,500+ miles in length. Nothing to sniff at, but still about 500 miles shorter than Trump’s. The difference between this one and the wall that he’s been trying to build at night with his bucket and spade is that no one will want to cross from one side to the other, so it doesn’t need to be that tall.

At least, not for the moment.

People will be raising children who disagree with their political beliefs, so they need to be given safe passage from one side to the other. Don’t worry, we’ll sort out some kind of Traitor Child Erasmus, where kids are kept in our state-of-the-art Children’s and Adolescents’ Gated Environments (CAGEs, for short).

Equally, when society on one side starts to disintegrate, it would be nice to be able to watch it in real-time.

Perhaps we can install windows.

And no, in case you’re wondering, we will not offer any survivors asylum from the murderous hellscape they have created.

So, the next Warren-Sanders-Biden-Harris-O’Rourke-Buttigieg-Cortez rally you attend, you know which chant to start:


A former columnist for Cracked, Matt Cowan’s fiction has appeared in Daily Science Fiction and The Arcanist. He won first prize in the New Deal Writing Competition 2019 and was shortlisted for the TSS Flash Fiction 400. On Medium, his work has been published by Lit Up, P.S. I Love You and The Junction, among others.

The Hit Job

humor | culture | football | trouble

Matt Cowan

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Writer of fictions, purveyor of laughs, lover of women (ok, my wife and daughter).

The Hit Job

humor | culture | football | trouble

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