Gray Allen
Sep 13 · 2 min read

If you don’t know, it’s not real and you don’t have to worry about it

Photo by Jose Moreno on Unsplash

President Trump said today “I’m not sure I ever heard of a Category 5 hurricane.” Then out of nowhere he gets unfairly pummeled by CNN, MSNBC, and the Communist media. No, I don’t mean the media in Russia — they’re our friends. By communist I mean Californians.

Why is the media acting so surprised? Trump already said in 2017 “I never knew a Category 5 existed” when Irma hit. How many times does he have to tell idiot reporters the same thing before they finally get it: if Trump hasn’t heard of it, it probably doesn’t exist. Or shouldn’t.

This isn’t the first time the biased media hypothesized on the existence of things Donald Trump and the rest of us Real Americans know doesn’t exist. Here’s 20 more things the President of the United States said he’s never heard of and therefore don’t exist:

  1. Ethics: just theoretical, like quantum physics or democracy or paying taxes
  2. IRS audits: those guys aren’t real government employees and have no power
  3. Complete sentences: clear thoughts, what crowds want, you guys are great
  4. Fidelity: has to do with music and sound waves; can’t see it, not real
  5. Paternity tests: run by fake scientists, no real proof, waste of time and sperm
  6. Obama’s citizenship: he never showed it after Fox News asked so nicely
  7. Balanced budgets: can’t balance stacks of paper, they blow away
  8. Baldness: only happens to losers, Star Trek characters and black athletes
  9. Racism: there’s good arguments on both sides: the neo-Nazis and the Aryans
  10. Calories: myths that make stupid people fat; I don’t believe it and look great
  11. Espionage: nations don’t spy on each other; just ask my BFF Vladi
  12. Equal rights: all right hands are about the same; who brought up this topic?
  13. Smurfs: they live in the woods, I saw a documentary, but that was long ago
  14. Bankruptcy: you only run out of money if you give it to people you owe
  15. Global warming: people get hot, not planets, and Earth is closer to a planet
  16. Poverty: work hard, get paid, problem solved (unless I refused to pay you)
  17. Nations he can’t pronounce: there’s only England, Russia, and shitholes
  18. Melania’s real smile: she only has that plastic grimace of terror
  19. Intelligent voters: people want a simple message, even if it’s “you’re fucked”
  20. Parody: nobody jokes about the greatest president since Alexander Hamilton

The Hit Job

humor | culture | football | trouble

Gray Allen

Written by

Unquestioning defender of all things American and Great

The Hit Job

humor | culture | football | trouble

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