Chris Columbus’ daily positive affirmations

Fake it till you make it

  1. Ignore the haters.

Haters to remain unacknowledged:

–Internet trolls who claim I voyaged to the Bahamas instead of Japan. They’re just out to dull my shine.

–Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand. Frenemies who throw out “you’re a tyrant” when they get threatened by my success. I am the Great Admiral of the Ocean and if I believe the appropriate punishment for stealing corn is the removal of your nose, then it is so.

–Unappreciative Indios who try to hide their gold. I discovered them for Chrissakes. I brought them to the light of Jesus. I literally put them on the map, and saved them from certain damnation. And those unappreciative bastards were all discreet about their gold sources.

–Amerigo Vespucci. That negative know-it-all naysayer only claims to have found an entirely new continent to discredit me. The contrarians come out when you make it to legendary historical figure status, we’re talking children’s nursery rhyme famous. Everyone loves to watch a celebrity fall from grace.

2. I am beautiful and deserve love.

I love myself fully. Every part of myself. I accept these swollen genitalia sores, and the right person for me will accept them too.

3. I love meeting strangers and approach them enthusiastically.

I will be confident in myself, my thoughts, my beliefs, and the expression of those beliefs when meeting new people. I am not ashamed to be myself, and the Indios will come to know the love of Christ. Or else.

4. My immune system is strong and will protect me from bacteria, germs, and viruses.

The rash that has spread from the genital sores to cover my entire body does not define me. Nor do the raised, open mucous membranes sprouting about. My immune system will take care of this.

5. I have integrity. I am reliable. I do what I say.

The Crown of Castile relies upon me to discover the Indies. Reality is within my intention. If I only envision my success, it will be so. I close my eyes, and I am assured that I, in fact, did discover the Indies.

6. I am a problem solver. I focus on solutions.

Longitudinal inconsistencies be damned. I will not let any obstacles deter me from finding the Indies. Deny it or kill it, my two keys to success.

7. My positivity attracts positive people and outcomes.

I don’t need external affirmation, but every year, come the second passing of a Monday in October, people stop working to pay tribute to my legacy. They may disagree with my genocidal tactics of discovery(which were extremely efficient), but they’re also home from work because of me. So, at the end of their relaxing day, they’ll be cool about it.

8. OK I may have syphilis. But syphilis doesn’t have me.

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