Coronavirus quarantine advice from experts expressed in plain language
What they really mean
Issue: It is vitally important that we practice social distancing to reduce the spread of the coronavirus. We must work together to flatten the infection curve to not overwhelm our healthcare system to the point of catastrophic failure.
Translation: The introverts were right all along.
Issue: During this time of social distancing, focus on developing positive habits, eating healthy, staying active, limiting screen time, and socializing.
Translation: Resist the urges to pulverize those closest to you.
Issue: Wash your hands for a minimum of 20 seconds with soap and warm water.
Translation: You disgusting, filthy pig-dogs are why we are in this mess.
Issue: From Dr. Oz: “Pick up a hobby, self-improve, find something that you wish you had time to do like learn a language, a musical instrument, get better at some task at work.”
Translation: There is more to life than Netflix, Amazon Prime and Hulu. It just doesn’t seem like it.
Issue: Dispose of outer packaging on shipped items before you bring it into your home. Wipe down packages with an alcohol-based solution and wash your hands after handling all packages. Clean all surfaces you placed the packages on. Then change your clothes. Shower.
Translation: You’re never gonna do this. We’re all gonna die.
Issue: Is bleach an effective cleaning agent for coronavirus disease?
Answer: Not as effective as fire.
Issue: I only go out when necessary for exercise or to go to the grocery store, pharmacy or needed medical appointments. Do I need to wear a mask when I’m out in public?
Answer: Not if you can pull of a smooth face-palm-brow-wipe like Dr. Fauci. It’s all the mask you’ll ever need.
Issue: Donald Trump says, “Anybody who wants a test gets a test” even though his own administration and health officials in many states say they do not have enough tests. What are the current criteria for getting a coronavirus test?
Answer: Be a celebrity.
Issue: It is important to maintain a fitness routine. Exercise can contribute to general good health and therefore to a healthy immune system. Participate in an online fitness class: yoga, Pilates, spin classes.
Translation: These people are taunting you by flaunting how much more evolved they are. They must suffer. And they will. As God as my witness.
Issue: Is it safe to go to the grocery store?
Answer: Was it ever?
Issue: Be sure to check on your elderly neighbors. Make sure they have what they need to thrive.
Translation: I swear to God that if somebody comes and checks on me I will LOSE MY SHIT. I AM NOT ELDERLY! NOW GIT OFFA MY PORCH!
Issue: Focus on avoiding touching your face.
Translation: How about we focus on the fact that my fists have thus far not touched your face?
Issue: The paradox of thrift is real. Actions you may take personally to improve your economic circumstances may be good for you, but they are bad for your community and the economy at large. Do not hoard resources, nor stock up unnecessarily.
Translation: I got enough toilet paper for me and my two friends, Smith and Wesson.