Dear Capt. America, you are not allowed to die

*SPOILER ALERTS*

Dear Cap,

First of all, I want to apologise to any of your fans for the spoiler, although, given that I don’t actually know what’s going to happen in the next movie, I now retract the apology. All I know is there are a lot of superheroes dying lately (even disregarding the mass disintegrations going on in the Marvel universe) and there are a lot of rumours flying around about your next movie.

First Han Solo karked it (I should have known there would only be one reason Harrison Ford would go back to the franchise and it wouldn’t be sentiment. I am only surprised he didn’t go back to Blade Runner for the same reason, although what they did with Rachael was pretty hideous — and now I do apologise for the spoilers). The moment Han Solo walked into the same room as his deranged son, I, like the repressed person I am, interrupted the moment for everyone in the cinema by yelling a protracted NOOOOOOOOO! Luke Skywalker style. I had been so full of “new hope” that finally they would get the Star Wars reboot right, that I hadn’t even considered the possibility of our favourite characters being bumped off.

Next was Wolverine. But, no. Actually, that didn’t happen. You know why? Because I refused to watch it. That’s why. I am employing the “if I cover my eyes, you’re not…