Deciding the Democratic Primary by Hunger Games

Who will survive?

Nicholas Grossman
Jun 12 · 4 min read

Damn DNC! They changed the rules again. First it was 65,000 donors or 1% in the polls just to get in a debate. Then it was 2%. Now it’s a Hunger Games.

“It’s not my fault,” explained Democratic Party chair Tom Perez. “LBJ installed these rules on a drunken lark, and no one bothered changing them because they never thought we’d reach the 24-candidate threshold. We can revise them for 2024 — if the party wants, of course — but for now, we have no choice.”

Anticipation ran high as the Districts watched to see who would become their symbolic champion against a cartoonishly villainous president played by a guy named Donald.

Ten candidates died in the opening bloodbath. Four of them killed by Amy Klobuchar.

Bill de Blasio — Had his hands on a harpoon, but banged his head on the ceiling.

Beto O’Rourke — Nearly took an arrow to the leg, but dodged it by jumping on a table.

Kirsten Gillibrand — Stabbed in the back by Klobuchar. Microphones picked up a faint “This is for Franken.”

John Delaney, John Hickenlooper, Tim Ryan, Eric Swalwell, Michael Bennet, Wayne Messam, Steve Bullock — Whatever.

Joe Biden — Died of old age.

Day 1

After an exciting bloodbath, 14 candidates remain.

Jay Inslee — First contestant killed by a hazard, rather than another competitor. In his part of the arena, the climate changed just a little too much.

Seth Moulton — Stabbed in the neck by Klobuchar. Microphones picked up a faint “This is for Pelosi.”

Julián Castro — Set up a defensible perimeter, but was overrun after he implemented open borders.

Marianne Williamson — I saw her picture in the sky, but I still don’t know who she is.

Tulsi Gabbard — Inhaled some poison gas, but a cure floated down on a parachute, thanks to an anonymous Russian sponsor.

Bernie Sanders —Demanded Kamala Harris redistribute her resources, even though he has more. Killed by a look.

Day 2

Down to 9. My — isn’t this exciting!

Cory Booker — Dies of starvation. Couldn’t be certain anything in the arena was vegan, and didn’t want to take the risk.

Tulsi Gabbard — Collapses from dehydration, but a water bottle floated down on a parachute, thanks to an anonymous Syrian sponsor.

The Teenager Who Volunteered in Mike Gravel’s Place — Banned for repeatedly violating Twitter’s terms of service.

Beto O’Rourke — Hunted by Buttigieg, but escaped after painting his face like a rock.

Day 3

After a disappointing Day 2 with only two deaths, the producers scrambled to up the action.

Beto O’Rourke — Stung by a hallucinogenic wasp, collapsed from exhaustion in the fifth hour of his air drum solo.

Tulsi Gabbard — The cut looked infected, but some antibiotics floated down on a parachute. A dual-sponsored gift, courtesy of Glenn Greenwald and Tucker Carlson.

Andrew Yang — Managed to reach the part of the competition where sponsorship becomes crucial, but memes can’t buy medicine.

Kamala Harris — Undone by sexism, racism, and left-wing attacks on her past as a prosecutor, Harris could never — just kidding, it was Klobuchar.

Day 4

We’re down to the Final Four!

Elizabeth Warren — Had a detailed plan to lie low, scavenge, and gradually win over the audience. Dies eating poisoned berries.

Tulsi Gabbard — Stabbed in the dark by Klobuchar. Microphones pick up a faint “This is for America. And thank you for your service.”

Amy Klobuchar — Her murder-happy brand of Midwestern nice never quite caught on with the audience. After framing Klobuchar as a villain, the producers drown her in an event they called “lake number ten thousand and one.”

And the winner is … Pete Buttigieg!

What? If you didn’t want to nominate a young candidate with military experience, you shouldn’t have decided the primary by Hunger Games.

(This is usually when Bernie Sanders complains it was all an excuse to rig the primary against him. But he’s dead.)

The Hit Job

humor | culture | football | trouble

Nicholas Grossman

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Senior Editor at Arc Digital. Poli Sci prof (IR) at U. Illinois. Author of “Drones and Terrorism.” Politics, national security, and occasional nerdery.

The Hit Job

humor | culture | football | trouble