Did my Medium post suck today?

A list of what happens in my brain for the next 31 minutes after I hit ‘publish’

Note: I only have about 1 original thought per minute, the other thoughts within that minute are variations of the original-thesis thought for that corresponding minute.

Min 1: “Did my post suck today? It’s been a minute and there is only one, okay, zero “likes.” Maybe it sucked.”

Min 2: “It’s Sunday, Mon, Tues, Wed, etc, people don’t read very many blogs on Sunday, Mon, Tues, Wed, etc, that’s a low-views day according to my stats.”

Min 3: “Oh, wait, it’s Thursday. Okay, that is also a low-views day — so is Fri and Sat and hold on …”

Min 4: “I should’ve written about my Mom. People like it when I write about my Mom or my Wifesy.”

Min 5: “I don’t think I should’ve capitalized Mom in that last minute thought. PEOPLE KNOW MY GRAMMAR IS TOILET LEVEL. THEY CAN FEEL IT and that’s why they’re not reading this post. Mom? Mom, help! That’s when you capitalize Mom when it’s used like a name, jackass.”

Min 6: “I should’ve written something jokey. People like it when I joke. This should be a jokey blog, not a relationship/ family/ feelings blog. God, such an idiot.”

Min 7: “This blog will never be a featured editor’s pick BECAUSE GOD AND THE WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH HATE ME.”

Min 8: “God, I would love it if the Westboro Baptist Church protested this Medium post.”

Min 9: “Oh, wait, the stats say I received a couple of reads with a 50% retention rate. (God, why does everyone have the attention span of a gnat!) It must be my time zone. It’s morning for me and an ungodly hour for everyone else in the world, right?”

Min 10: “People in Germany are reading…and Austria. Wait, I thought they were the same place. They’re not the same place? Oh christ, the Europeans can feel my shitty American public school education reeking through this Medium post and that’s why they’re not reading…wait, they might be reading. Stats don’t give you any geographic analytics. What if everyone reading my post only speaks in yoga?!! Namaste. That will help, right?”

Min 11: “I don’t know how to take good pictures. People don’t like this post because of the crappy photography. I don’t use enough photography from unsplash.com. Come on, everyone knows about unsplash.com. The other day you tried to pass off a photo of yourself as the header photo, instead of something awe inspiring from unsplash. What is wrong with you??!!”

Min 12: “The stats just went up a read! Oh, it’s probably that dude’s Medium blog where I commented 57 times on his last post. After he did a background check on me and realized that I was not an imminent threat to him or his family, he finally decided to read me back. Phew.”

Min 13: “I only post once a day, that’s why people don’t care. I need to post 4,500 times a day. No one will pay attention otherwise. I will make no headway within this godforsaken algorithm without more diligence. God, I’m so lazy!”

Min 14: “I should go do something else. If I go do something else, when I come back, people will have read this.”

Min 15: “I don’t care what other people think.”

Min 16: “I care very much what other people think.”

Min 17: “I only care what certain people think…people with taste. Everyone who stops by here has good taste.”

Min 18: “I’m more of a niche writer. I’m waiting for the niche to find me. Where the feck are you, Niche?!”

Min 19: “This should’ve been a blog about artisanal foods or intermittent fasting. Come on, that’s obvious!”

Min 20: “Long form writing is dead.”

Min 21: “Newspapers are dead.”

Min 22: “Wait, am I dead?”

Min 23: “I should’ve done this post as a series. How does anyone even find a series without stalking practices implemented? I mean there are no tags or discovery options. Are we all supposed to stumble around the series section like a bunch of Medium drunks searching for a reader? What’s the dealio, Medium??!”

Min 24: “Why hasn’t anyone followed me over here from one of my other social media accounts? Why haven’t the 13,999 dead accounts on Twitter that are following me come over here to read this piece? Don’t they know Medium was created by an ex-Twitter-founder? What in the feck? Where is the synergy?”

Min 25: “I should engage more with the other writers on here. But, when I do my comments on their posts have more recommends than my actual written musings. What am I? The Siskel and Ebert of Medium?”

Min 26: “When I don’t see that green dot over stories or series when I open the Medium app, well, I don’t feel alive.”

Min 27: “Maybe my posts aren’t snazzy enough. Maybe I should write in a notebook, photograph it, and upload it. Maybe I should hire a plane and skywrite my pieces. Morose code? (effed up spelling intended) Telepathy? I’m telepathically sending you another post right now. Why aren’t you “recommending” it! There’s a button right there next to your hypothalamus.”

Min 28: “You are so neurotic, just let the piece be. Just write for yourself. You pay too much attention to your Medium posts. They are like your children. Just the other day your Wifesy said, I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR MEDIUM ACCOUNT. YOU SPEND TO MUCH TIME WITH IT. And then she tried to drown it in the bathtub. Don’t you think that’s unhealthy?”

Min 29: “You need to go back to writing Twitter jokes. 142 characters, you’re in, you’re out or Instagram photos of food or Instagram stories of photos of food. Kill. Me. Now.”

Min 30: “The stats look a bit better. Okay, okay. I’ll write something tomorrow, but only because you begged. Sorry. Sorry. I begged. I’m grateful. So, grateful. Thank you. Thank you for reading. I haven’t felt this good since Madonna made out with Britney. God, now I’ve got to go and do something else!”

Min 31: “Wait, is it time to post again?”

Yep, new Medium blogger here, losing her mind. Go ahead and hit the follow if you enjoyed the above. Consider it your good deed for the day.