Donald Trump press conference post mortem
Somewhere in the West Wing
DJT: (grabbing towel from Reince Priebus) I killed it out there. Bigly. Right?
Sean Spicer: You definitely killed it, sir.
DJT: You bet. Tremendous. Lots of energy. Killed it.
SS: You killed it, indeed, sir. We just may not agree on what “it” is.
DJT: What’s that, Melissa?
SS: Nothing, sir.
DJT: Did you see how I took down those FAKE NEWS guys?
DJT: That’s how you do it, Melissa. That’s how it’s done.
SS: About the electoral college numbers …
DJT: Yeah, what the hell happened there? How did they get numbers bigger than mine? We had the biggest electoral college victory since Reagan.
SS: Well …
DJT. That can’t happen, missy. I was hearing big numbers out there. I said 306. That one guy said the Kenyan had 330 or some shit. He said that Bush had 400 or something. Those are bigger numbers than ours, you know?
SS: We know. We tried to tell you.
DJT: We need bigger numbers. You’re going out there tomorrow with bigger numbers.
SS: But the electoral college numbers are public. They’ve already been recorded.
DJT: Just get new numbers from Kellyanne. She has all kinds of facts. Do I have to do your entire job for you? Sad.
DJT: Biggest. Victory. Since. Reagan. Make it happen.
SS: Of course.
DJT: Didja hear the part where I schooled ’em on uranium? It’s like they had no idea what I was talking about.
SS: No idea, no.
DJT: The Black people are in our corner now. Bigly.
SS: I, well, sure.
DJT: You should have done that a long time ago.
SS: What’s that?
DJT: Really, Melissa? Were you listening? I had one of them invite the rest of ’em to a meeting. You know, the CBC people. We’re gonna have a big meeting. Really tremendous. We’ll talk. They’ll cheer. What do they eat?
SS: Are you asking me what the Congressional Black Caucus eats?
DJT: Don’t be a racist, Spicerack. This isn’t a secure area like the dining terrace at Mar-a-Lago. I’m talking about the reporters. We get a bunch of the Blacks together and we’ll have a lot of reporters. We need to get chummy with them.
SS: Oh, OK …
DJT: Reporters like sandwiches, right? And, what do you call them, oh, the caterers know. Ask them. But we’re gonna get the press back on our side. I beat ’em down. Now you can build them back up.
SS: Thank you, sir. However …
DJT: I worked ’em over pretty good. I’m hearing I totally wiped the floor with ’em. Lots of people are saying it. Really tremendous. We need to, you know, give ’em something. An olive garden.
SS: You mean, an olive branch, Mr. President?
DJT: This is no time to be cheap, Spice Girl. I said an olive garden. A full garden. Somewhere for them to write up their stories. A little sunshine. A little fresh air. We make listening devices small enough to fit into olives, right?
SS: Uh …
DJT: I never said that. You understand? Didn’t say it.
SS: Of course not, Mr. President.
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