Donald Trump reviews Sarah Cooper
I’ve seen the Tiki Toks and the Instagrams, yes. I was clued in to them way early. Many people came up to me and said, “Mr. President, there’s a woman, who …”
That was all I needed. I was interested. So I looked her up. I mean, I had someone look her up and then show me. She’s not bad. People are saying she’s pretty popular. She’s blowing up. I don’t think she looks too blown up. She looks — I don’t want to say she’s my type — but I could get her a green card if I had to.
And she’s black. Black-ish, actually. I can say that because a TV show said it already. Her file says she’s Jamaykan, I hear. It’s not racist. People say Jamaykan all the time, so it’s not being racist to call her Jamaykan.
Great voice, I gotta say. She’s got that going for her.
And very cute. I mean, she’s no Ivanka. But like I told what’s-her-face, if she weren’t already doing me, perhaps I’d be dating her. What the hell … I might still! File says she’s married? Whatever. Those never last. Does it have her age? It’s what? OK, never mind.
She’s pretty popular. It’s a very great honor that she’s helping to share my presidenting even more. Thank you, Sarah! Some say she is an icon for the black people. Maybe even more kinds of people. And she’s channeling me! Very smart. She’s great. Like I always say, the blacks love me. We do very well with the blacks. It’s just an expression but the MAGA love the blacks. We say that all the time. There are always blacks at my rallies. We make sure of it.
Kanye loves me. Do they know each other? Ask Big and Peppa, they’ll know.
Sarah Cooper, thank you for appreciating your presid … what now? What? I’m finishing this, uh … what now? She’s making fun of Obama? No? You said “president,” so I thought you meh … hold on a moment. Cease. Desist. Shut this thing off. What button? Where? Just shut it off.
I pushed it. I pushed it! I order it pushed!
What now? She’s what? How can you tell?
Call Barr now. Now! And who’s our tax guy? The guy we put in charge of the IRS. Him. Get him on this. Make A Little Tax Audit, #MALTA for her. I’m copyrighting that. I mean you are, but you’re doing it on my orders. Go, now!
The fuck is satire, anyway? Protected, my ass! I don’t care if it’s protected. That’s why I’m the law and order president! I’ve got an Article 2 that let’s me make the laws I need!
So it’s funny? Does it have to be funny to count?
OK, I know funny. I get funny. Nobody knows funny more than me. People laugh at what I say all the time. Major comedians — big names — like Tim, Dennis, Chachi, many people are saying, “Sir, how did you get to be so incredibly funny?” They walk up to me. Big guys, strong guys. Manly guys. Yesterday, this one guy, with a tear in his eye, asked me to Make America Great Again by telling him a joke. So I did. I told him his mama was fat.
He laughed. Eventually.
So I know funny. People laugh at what I tell them a lot. Maybe I just have a natural instinct, I tell them. They laugh at that too.
You know my uncle went to Emm Eye Tee. I ever tell you that? Very smart. Very bright guy, so it’s in the genes. And he was known to be a pretty funny guy, too. A real joker during the class times. A lot of people said so. I’m a lot like him.
So she’s funny? They say she’s funny. Some people, who are not patriots, may think she’s funny, but she’s treating me very unfairly. She’s just more fake news! She makes faces when she uses my words. Why is that funny? I don’t get it.
She should show some respect. And maybe smile more. Why doesn’t she do Obama? The SILENT MAJORITY demand she do Obama!
And where is Barr?
Can we sue her for damaging the Trump brand? That’s ME she’s doing, right? That’s me? Yeah, I knew it. Me. It’s like my voice, only hotter. It’s confusing!
We can’t let her make me look weak. I need a nickname for her. Get me the list of the slams I haven’t used yet. Skip the “N” section. Still not right. Mitch and Lindsey both said so.
I could call her Hillary. Everybody gets a weird look when I say that name. What about Lyin’ Liddle’ Shifty’ Sarah? Yeah, that’ll get her. I’ll call her that.
OK, tweet this: “Lyin’ Liddle’ Shifty’ Sarah thinks she …” What? What do you mean, “blocked”? What kind of weak, punk-ass loser blocks a person they’re afraid of on Twitter?
OK, you’re fired!
Get me Barr!