This is getting out of hand. Back in December, this young, digital rag amassed 1000 followers and I think I was pretty clear in expressing my displeasure and condemnation for your poor taste.
And now you’ve gone and doubled down on that.
A few days ago, @Medium notified me that The Hit Job now has 2000 followers, which is, on the one hand, ridiculous, but it also explains how a man like president infantile dysfunction can get elected to the highest office in the land. There is no accounting for taste. Despite my many admonitions.
Does this seem like a sly humblebrag? I say no. You’re probably saying to yourself, “2000 followers really isn’t that much, so you should just shut up.” And you’d be kinda right. I mean, it’s 2000 more than nothing, which is where we rightfully started and should rightfully remain. It’s not enough followers to sway a national election, but we could make some noise at, say, a school board election or really clog up a bathroom line at a theme park. So there’s that.
If we could ever agree on a time or place, we could totally … well, something. We’d need an idea first. And then a voting process. And probably some people in charge. It’d be a hassle. But worth it to show that The Hit Job is a force to be … well, something.
In this series of tubes we call the interwebs, 2000 isn’t really that super impressive. It pales in comparison to other publications on this platform, for sure. But there’s one key difference: Those publications are good. We’re not. We’re awful. We know it. We try, but read some of our recent articles:
Why I am unfit for human company, Chapter 613 billion
What follows is an entirely true story. If it fails to make you want to flay the skin off your own face and slurp-pop…
Maximize Medium minus membership
A wee bit o’ skulduggery and one animal sacrifice is all it takes
Things Donald Trump doesn’t understand
Mr. President, have someone read you this list for some really tremendous learning.
It wasn’t just Mitch McConnell who silenced Elizabeth Warren — These senators did too.
“She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted.”
That’s it, I’m addicted. Donald Trump has got me, OK?
I yearn to learn what stupid thing the Trump administration will do today
Hey girl! Are you a white feminist? Feeling butt-hurt? Here are 5 easy steps to move forward:
Step 1: Chill out.
I voted for Trump. In your FACE!
This past Saturday night at the Comedy Cabaret in Bucks County, Pa., I performed in a sold out show. People laughed and…
For unknown reasons, these pieces received not only a lot of views but even oodles of recommendations from readers. That’s insane. Unless … maybe I’ve been thinking of recommendations the wrong way. Anyway …
… These were all in The Hit Job, not those other publications. You’ve probably read some of those other publications. Some are quite useful. Some are even funny, which is better. Others make you think. Others make you think that if they can do it, so can I — which is just how Medium gets ya. It got me.
I still cannot figure out how this happened.
Is it the subject matter or the people? We write about humor, pop culture, social change and NFL football. Who wants that? But still, there’s a lot of blame to go around when you double your readership in a little less than four months. When you look at it that way, we have hornswaggled a lot of people. I sincerely apologize for that.
But it’s mostly the fault of these fools, who submit their work to The Hit Job while I try to arrange their work to look purty and shout about them on social media. These are the ones you should watch out for: Katryn Alice Sandry, Ian Belknap, E Price, Roy Schlegel, Spenser Milo, Lisa Renee, Brandon Anderson, Violet, Existential Trout, Jimmy Camp, Steven Markow, Rubi Nicholas and occasionally me.
I think you should teach them a lesson. Go to their articles and click those heart icon thingies. That way they’ll know that you’re watching and that you disapprove. It’s the only way they’ll learn.
But don’t worry about my articles, of course. I already know. I don’t need you to show me what’s what. I am a rock. I am an eye land.
So, again, apologies all around. The Hit Job has 2000 followers. Surely this will die off soon. Don’t go making the same mistake as these other 2000 suckers and start following The Hit Job.