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Every call to every fantasy football advice show

“I don’t think you understand — my quarterback MIGHT HAVE THE SNIFFLES!”

“… and he leads the league in YAC, so forget his pre-season ADP and spend half your FAB to get him in PPR leagues.

“Okay, that look at the waiver wire brings us to 5:54 this beautiful, football-filled Sunday morning, which means we have just a few minutes left here on Pigskin Pete’s Picks on WJCK: The Jock — firmly supporting Cleveland sports fans since mid-2018 — 530 on your AM dial when we aren’t drowned out by static or the French language station out of Canada. So let’s get in a few quick calls. Terry, John, you’re up right after I help Ronnie in Euclid. Ronnie, what do you got?”

“Dude! Hi, yeah, thanks for taking my call. I’ll make this real quick because I know you’re up against the clock, but I just want to say I’m a huge fan, I listen all the time, and thanks to your advice I’m off to a 4–1 start in my main league, the one I’ve been in with some high school friends since 2003, and I even beat Billy, who won the league last year and won’t shut up about it, but he’s only 2–3 this year so I don’t think he’ll be holding on to the trophy or yapping at us much longer, so I think your show is awesome.”

“Glad to hear it. Real quick with your question now.”

“Yeah … uh … I have a question about what to do at wide receiver, because, uh, right now I’m 4–1, like I said, and in second place behind my brother-in-law, Scott, who’s 5–0. I’d be 5–0, too, except I lost last week to the seventh-place team—seventh place, if you can believe that, with the killer team I’ve got — by three points when Mason Crosby missed four field goals and an extra point. Who saw that coming, right? Historically bad luck for me … like that’s anything new — last year I lost five games by three points or less, so you’d think I’d be used to the fantasy gods kicking me around, but I can’t believe Mason let me down, because he’s usually one of the best, and now I feel like I’ve got to cut him, which I hate to do because I named my team Mason/Masoff — you know, like “wax on/wax off” from The Karate Kid?”

“Yeah, yeah. So what is it I can do for you at wide receiver?”

“Yeah, I’m a little worried about my Wide Receiver 3 — I’m really strong at 1 and 2, because I had a sweet draft and my moron friends let me get Davante Adams and Stefon Diggs, and I thought for sure I was set at 3, too, because — and I couldn’t believe it, since every mock draft had this guy going no later than the third round and he was really a second round value before the knee thing— I got Doug Baldwin at the end of the fourth round, but, you know, he’s been hurt and I don’t know if he’s ever going to be at full strength — I sure hope he’s not at full strength, let me tell you, after that one-catch-for-one-yard performance last week — so I’ve been getting by with Nelson Agholor — more like Nelson Two-Point-Four, am I right?, since that’s about how many points he’s been getting me.”

“I’m gonna need a question here, Ronnie.”

“Okay, so Tre’Quon Smith and Donte Moncrief are both available on waivers, so I’m wondering — “

“I’d go Tre’Qu — “.

“But the thing is, I’ve also got a guy in my league who’s willing to trade for Baldwin, so I think I can get Emmanuel Sanders — “

“Definitely. Make the tra — “

“But he wants me to throw in Chris Carson, who’s just starting to get rolling, though he has his injury issues, too, but I guess I can get by without him, at least right now, but with bye weeks coming up — I mean, I really punted on Week 9, let me tell you, I’ve got like four or five guys out that week, let’s see … Cousins, Diggs, Bailey —haha, I really loaded up on Vikings, but I had I bunch of Patriots last year, and that didn’t exactly hurt, because I tied for second last season, and man, I would have won it all except …”

Ronnie’s voice fades as the show ends to Billy Joel singing “It’s just a fantasy…” accompanied by the deep percussive tones of Pete’s head smacking against his desk.