Five hacks to achieve instant weight loss in your holiday card photo

Accessorize with sunglasses, pets, duck lips, and children to quickly shed 10 pounds

Marya Jones Barlow
Dec 18, 2020 · 3 min read
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Image for post
Fake Christmas fabulousness with the help of props. (Photo by Donovan Barlow.)

It was inevitable this day would come. The holiday cards from your friends and family are pouring in and you’re still wearing the same tear-stained bathrobe you were sporting eight months ago, when COVID-19 was declared a national emergency.

Let’s face it: You’ve been putting off this year’s dreaded holiday card photo because it will expose your scandalous weight gain — that bulbous badge of blubber, honorably attained over months of doomscrolling in bed between Zoom meetings and Doritos binges.

But take heart, friends. Here are five quick ways to seemingly drop 10 pounds without so much as glancing at that Peloton darkening your den.

Salvation lies in world’s most empowering action verb: Accessorize. With the right props, you can transform your Christmas photo shoot into an artful masterpiece of fake news. Here’s how:

1. Children.
Nothing confers rapid weight loss like the strategic camouflage provided by your little one. Just throw a child in front of you like a human fat shield. The more kids you have, the better. Bam. Instant ab shredder. Not to mention the cachet of being a badass who carried a human life form for 9 months and achieved martyrdom by feeding it, keeping it alive, driving it to travel soccer games, and suffering PTSD from the relentless War Over Screen Time.

2. Pets.
Don’t have a child? Pets are even better. It’s a scientifically proven fact that people have more empathy for animals than humans. So hide that COVID-19 belly behind Max, Buddy, and Cat Benatar. No one will even notice your double chin. They’ll be too focused on finding out where you got your adorable hypoallergenic, miniature, exotic, hybrid shit-poo-borzoi-frisé.

3. Cocktails.
You may be plump, but no one can deny that you are cool. Raise that mango purée shrub cocktail you perfected during covid, and send the message that you are fat, fun, and fearless. Own it. You are the life of the party. You are Rebel Wilson, John Candy, and Lizzo rolled into one fabulous flesh package. Everyone wants to be your BFF.

4. Sunglasses.
The bigger and more expensive, the better. Make sure to select a shape that’s right for your facial girth. Thick rims and boldly colored frames give the illusion of contoured jowls. Oversized rectangular glasses nicely offset a ballooning gibbon’s neck. Trust me, you will look like Anne Hathaway in “The Devil Wears Prada.” Do not concern yourself with the fact that no one wears sunglasses indoors in front of the Christmas tree. Hush. Beauty doesn’t have to make sense.

5. Duck lips.
When all else fails, try duck lips. Caution: Use this only as a last resort because it can backfire. The good: Everyone will be so distracted by your annoying duck lips that they’ll overlook what a lard-ass you’ve become. The bad: Duck lips smack of desperation. You tipped your hand. You dodged the fat bullet, but now everyone knows your self-esteem is really suffering and you are clearly on the downward spiral to Botox, facelifts, and liposuction. It’s all Joan Rivers from here, folks.

The most important thing is that you choose the form of obfuscation that’s right for you. Not everyone can pull off duck lips or afford a $3,000 designer dog. But you can and will pull off your holiday photo. Right now. You can do this. First, get up and take a shower and get dressed in your most slimming black muumuu.

You are big, beautiful, and deceitful. Say “cheese,” fatty.

If you like this story, please show your appreciation by clapping like your life depended on it and sharing it with all your frenemies. Or, if you’re really daring, stalk me on Medium at Marya Jones Barlow. If you don’t like it, feel free to offer you own satirical feedback. ;)

The Hit Job

humor | culture | football | trouble

Marya Jones Barlow

Written by

Writer/editor/PR flack. Begrudging indentured servant to a household of men. The most extroverted introvert you will ever meet. A fucking amazing human being.

The Hit Job

humor | culture | football | trouble

Marya Jones Barlow

Written by

Writer/editor/PR flack. Begrudging indentured servant to a household of men. The most extroverted introvert you will ever meet. A fucking amazing human being.

The Hit Job

humor | culture | football | trouble

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