5 logical reasons Trump should nuke hurricanes

Donald Trump will show the world his genius in a big orange way

Gray Allen
Aug 27 · 2 min read
One of 35 nuclear tests conducted by the United States in the South Pacific (1958)

President Trump should nuke hurricanes. The science is indisputable; every one of two Fox commentators agreed that a nuclear explosion will stop a hurricane. We should nuke one now because there are so many benefits for Americans, and for minorities and for people of lesser nations.

The top five benefits from nuking a 100 mph storm the size of Montana:

  1. Solves global warming
    And cooling, and droughts, and rain on Inauguration Day, and anything else this nasty planet throws at us. Nuking a hurricane teaches Mother Nature who’s boss. Once we take out a few hurricanes, Earth will get the message and fall in line. Then Trump can make every day a warm sunny day, and we’ll all get extremely tan.
  2. Speeds up evolution
    If you think three-legged frogs next to a nuclear power plan is amazing, imagine the wild shit that will grow after we nuke the ocean eight times each summer. The Meg, Sharktopus and Whalewolf will become documentaries, not bad sci-fi movies. Soon we’ll all enjoy the fun of riding and hunting these new creatures, just like Jason Statham.
  3. Practice for bigger things
    After he masters nuking hurricanes, Trump can bomb the upper atmosphere for the greatest Fourth of July show ever! Then he’ll blow up the moon, because that stingy rock won’t provide the atmosphere to accommodate a luxury golf resort. If global warming turns out to be real, Trump will nuke part of the sun to make things cool again.
  4. Puerto Rico will stop whining
    They’ve been grumpy since Hurricane Maria destroyed their infrastructure in 2017 and Trump didn’t repair it fast enough (or ever). It’s not the president’s fault. Puerto Rico’s impossible to find on a map, it’s got crappy golf courses, and Trump can’t speak Puerto Rican. If Trump nukes each hurricane before it reaches the island, the inhabitants will be glowing with appreciation for the rest of their lives.
  5. American dominance for all time
    Nobody will ever mess with a country that creates nuclear fucknados! Every nation will bow to Trump’s will, out of fear that he’ll do something even worse. Which will still happen.

So stop questioning Donald Trump’s judgment here. The guy has a PhD in Nuclear Climatology from Trump University; what more do you need? As he’s proven every day of his presidency, Donald Trump knows what he’s doing.

This is satire. Please direct your ire to those who really believe this crap.

The Hit Job

humor | culture | football | trouble

Gray Allen

Written by

Unquestioning defender of all things American and Great

The Hit Job

humor | culture | football | trouble

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