Game of Thrones: Westerosi politics vs. western politics
Crazy meets crazier as worlds collide
A cosmic event, possibly connected to a prophesied red comet or the picture of a black hole, has caused our world to unite with Game of Thrones. Here’s what you need to know before the final season/next election:
- Seeking to reclaim her kingdom and restore her family’s dynasty, Jenna Bush invades America, an army of Mongols at her back.
- The High Sparrow and his followers keep insisting he’s so much purer than everyone else, but it turns out he was accumulating riches the whole time.
- The Iron Islands holds a special Kingsmoot and narrowly decides to leave the Seven Kingdoms. They send Theon Greyjoy to negotiate the terms of Iron Islexit — he’s technically got a claim to power, but few see him as a real leader — and he comes back with a compromise no one likes. The Ironborn reject Theon’s proposal, Yara’s proposal, Euron’s proposal, and the proposal to hold a second Kingsmoot, and decide to send Theon back to Kings Landing to ask for an extension.
- Ser Glenn of the Green Walds insists the world’s biggest problem is excessive criticism of the Masters of Slaver’s Bay across the sea, and people should really focus on the problems of Tyrion’s technocratic centrism.
- Outnumbered, Cersei Lannister hires the Golden Company, a group of mercenaries run by Betsy DeVos’s brother.
- A drunken priest keeps resurrecting Congressman Dan Crenshaw.
- The Night King takes the Iron Throne, leaving destruction in his wake. After four years of his disastrous reign, the smallfolk of Westeros finally wake up and throw off the yoke of neoliberalism. Lady Sarandon was right all along.
- Mike Pence sends Loras Tyrell to conversion therapy.
- A new star in Kings Landing, Alaxandrea of Castamere — known throughout the lands as AOC — proposes letting the White Walkers come south to counteract Westerosi warming, because otherwise we’ll all be dead in 12 years and no one else has a plan. When people offer alternatives, or point out that maybe, as bad as the problem is, the magic ice monsters will make things worse, Alaxandrea repeats: “No one else has a plan.”
- Everyone agrees Joffrey and Tommen shouldn’t have power, even though their father did.
- Julian Assange becomes known as Hector after something weird happens when he’s removed from the Ecuadorian embassy in London. Onlookers hear him shout “Ecuador! Ecuador! Ec-dor! Ecdor! Ecdor!”
- Tulsi of house Gabbard keeps defending Ramsay Bolton and no one quite knows why.
- Much to everyone’s surprise, Littlefingers wins.