GOP VERY excited about FUN new health care bill

The meaning of ‘mean’

“So then I violently pushed that NATO guy out of my way while singing ‘Super Bon Bon!” says maniacal Trump.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, a human, from Earth, described Trump-Care, as a way: “to give the uber-wealthy a tax break while making middle class Americans pay more for less healthcare coverage.

This statement is slightly misleading.

If we’re to be exact, he should instead say, “Trump-Care, is a way to give close to a TRILLION DOLLARS, as a gift, to the TOP .05% richest billionaires, while making middle class Americans pay more for less health care coverage, AND causing untold DEATH and SUFFERING to the poor, the elderly, anyone with preexisting conditions, and anyone who enjoys staying alive.”

The Republican Senate Leaders, meeting in an abandoned church at an undisclosed location, have been standing inside of a pentagram, wearing ceremonial robes, and working diligently on a health care bill described as “Mean, mean, mean” by Donald Trump, (and he was pulling the legs off of a live hamster while he said it, greatly upsetting PETA, as well as the child of one of his aides who owned Sally, the now legless hamster).

Paul Ryan was said to be “glistening with anticipation and vibrating like an obelisk, he was so excited.” according to sources. He was also quoted as saying: “Yessss … Yesssssss, let’s cause pain and suffering to the poor!… It FEEDS me. Their dying from easily curable maladies … quenches my unquenchable thirst. Their sorrow is a balm that nourishes me. I will wallow in their despair, like swimming joyfully in a cool, clear, river on a hot day.”

This is exactly the kind of statement that leads many to believe Paul Ryan … might possibly lack empathy.

“WAAAAH! You want health care and you’re poor, WAAAH, call a waaambulance”, says Ryan, as McConnell eyes his nemesis, “The Hare,” with his patented goggly eyes.

Mitch “And The Hare” McConnell, is leading the Republican Senate in working on the bill, but it’s taking longer than expected, because it’s interspersed with McConnell reading aloud spells from the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis, as well as suffering random, violent, attacks from large tortoises, attempting to mate with McConnell’s face, (a known occupational hazard for many in McConnell’s species).

Mitch McConnell, seen fending off an ardent admirer.

McConnell first appeared on the national scene, when famed boxer Rocky Balboa, patiently taught McConnell how to sing and dance, so that Rocky wouldn’t have to fight, as pictured below.

Former heavyweight champion, teaches Mitch “Cuff Link” McConnell, to sing and dance

Since then, McConnell has been a champion for billionaires everywhere, especially his direct financial supporters, the top eight of which are listed below, which highlights why McConnell, is to health care, what bug spray is to Stephen Miller (It makes Miller lie on his back with his legs twitching), or what antibiotics are to Stephen Bannon (He cries “I’m melting … I’m mellllltinnng,” as he melts).

So here’s a quick chart that will easily show how McDonnell will vote, or show support, on any health issue.

Health Insurance Companies LOVE Mitch McConnell, Even Though They Know He’s Probably Not From Earth.

It’s reasons like these, that have McConnell and Ryan now commonly be referred to as “Evil Simon & Evil Garfunkel,” as well as their dulcet tones when they sing “Bwa Ha Ha, Bwa Ha HA Ha” together, in perfect harmony.

It’s reasons like these, that middle America Republicans will soon stop supporting Ryan & McConnell, once Zombie-Roger Ailes finally rises from his grave to eat all the male employees at Fox News, and sexually assault all the female employees who still work there, causing Fox News to stop broadcasting their own version, of what used to be, reality.

Written by Steven W. Rouach

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