Here are all the Muppets you can safely crush on because evidently human men are garbage

Okay, technically not all human men are garbage. But I’m hesitant at this point to proclaim any man, particularly one in the public eye, as certifiably not a human bag of trash because we all know that if I do I will jinx it. No, no … shut your mouth about Tom Hanks. It’s too risky.

But we all need our celebrity crushes, right? And I think we can all agree that our lady spank bank being depleted by the nonstop harassment allegations is the real tragedy here* (*For the love of God, please don’t let this satirical and innocuous comment be the title of an article by Caitlin Flanagan tomorrow).

So, for your consideration …

WALTER:

Walter is a late addition to the Muppet family, but totes crushable. He’s enthusiastic, sweet, and man would that whistling talent come in handy in the bedroom, huh ladies? Don’t worry: even though he’s a very manly Muppet, he will not abruptly take his dick out during your romantic tour of Muppet Studios and suggest that you’re a dyke when you tell him to put it away. I think we can all agree that the simple lack of this behavior is what constitutes a good man, so … enjoy!

KERMIT THE FROG:

Well, we all know this one is a gimme: Kermit holds the longstanding record of Piggle Magazine’s “Sexiest Muppet Alive,” and even though the publication is run by Miss Piggy, we don’t disagree. Kermit is kind, patient, and isn’t afraid of a strong woman. He has a bit of a problem with commitment, and you’ll definitely need to make the first move, but hey! What’s sexier than a frog that respects affirmative consent, amirite?!

COUNT VON COUNT:

Aw, man. vampires, right? Despite the fact that exsanguination is pretty much always in the “raise your hand if EWWW” category, they remain ineffably sexy to us gals. Count Von Count, in particular, puts little Eddie Cullen to shame. I mean, look at him, girls. He’s got a monocle, and that suit looks custom to me. Even better, with Count Von Count, you never have to worry about a date turning violent like you do with real vampires (or on OK Cupid with actual garbage human men). The Count will be too busy counting your wonderful qualities (One, ONE strong independent woman, ah ah ahhhhh!”) to make an aggressive move or get fresh.

ROWLF:

Okay, hear me out. Yes, he’s a dog. But he’s no dog, if you know what I mean. Rowlf may be a little rough around the edges, but there’s something hot about him. Just look at him — HOT. It could be the fact that he’s a musician, or the fact that he’s got that dry, self-deprecating sense of humor that also makes you lady-crush out on Tina Fey. But we know one thing for sure: Even if the puppeteer playing Rowlf is accused of sexual misconduct, they can just change the garbage dude controlling the puppet. Put THAT on your plate!

LOUIE (a.k.a. Elmo’s Dad):

This is for you ladies who, like me, crave the dad-bod. Don’t make the mistake of putting all your hopes on David Harbour — the man is undeniably sexy in Stranger Things, but I must remind you he’s also a HUMAN MAN. Tread carefully (and for the love of God don’t jinx it!). Louie is a loving father and husband, and can rock BOTH a mustache and a soul patch, which is a difficult feat. While you will most certainly never have a chance with this Muppet (he’s far too devoted to his lady, Mae, and son, Elmo), he will also never shove your head expectantly towards his crotch.

So, enjoy, ladies! Since Muppets both 1) are not human men and 2) probably don’t have genitals, you can feel free to celebrity crush out without fear of the inevitable Twitter release that they are in fact, chi-mos who run sex trafficking rings. BONUS!

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If you feel inclined to read more from me, you can find my “hilarious” cancer survival tale here, my Nancy Drew Review Project on Blogger and my writing in novel form on Amazon’s Kindle Store.

Thanks for reading!

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