How to tell if the world is about to end: Part I

A self-help guide for the coming apocalypse

I see so many blogs these days giving out practical advice on how to survive the fall of civilisation, but knowing when civilisation is about to fall is half the battle. In this multi-part (and possibly never ending) series, I give you the signs, so you don’t have to do the time.

If anyone has any ideas for a better tagline, please get in touch.

Let’s begin.

One of your neighbours is 600 years old and he’s building a big boat

Classic giveaway. Don’t try to convince yourself this type of behaviour is normal.

Maybe he eats a lot of kale.

… The animals just like him?

NO. Don’t normalise this. Instead, buy some animal costumes for you and your family (two of each) and march/crawl straight onto that boat. There’s nothing normal about that.

Large alien spacecraft are hovering ominously over major world cities

This should go without saying, really. Don’t be one of those people who are like, “Maybe they just want to talk?” when a bunch of big ol’ UFOs suddenly start looming over New York and Paris.

This is an aggressive move in any language. Imagine you were walking down the street and someone started doing this to you. I mean, people can’t fly, I understand that. But if they could, it would be incredibly rude to hover right over someone.

In the alien invasion version of that rather unlikely scenario, they ain’t looking to shake our hands with their tentacles / flip-flaps. Their way of saying hello is to immediately annihilate anything that looks expensive. Steer clear of major landmarks and buildings.

And don’t say you haven’t been warned. The US government made a public information film on this subject way back in 1996, buoyed by the resounding success of the ‘Just say no’ anti-drugs campaign of the Reagan administration.

Jesus returns to earth and joins ISIS

I know what you’re thinking.

But Jesus would never do that! He’s specifically known for not doing stuff like that!

Not necessarily true. Maybe Jesus is a bit more like his pal, Paul: 
Paul things to Paul men.

Look, I just want you to be prepared for every possible eventuality, OK? Because let me tell you: the so-called Islamic State are prepared, with their so-called pickup trucks and their so-called guns. They want their apocalypse, NOW. They’re SO prepared, in fact, that their propaganda magazine, Dabiq, is named after the town in which a future battle against the Crusaders will, apparently, set the ball rolling for that Final Judgment they keep going on about.

Now, this particular end of world prophecy might have more plot holes in it than Terminator Genysis, but it is a considerably more popular work of fiction/absolute truth. Here’s a brief synopsis:

After declaring Islam to be the bestest religion in all of Christendom, Jesus catches up with the Antichrist somewhere outside Damascus and stabs him to death. Not exactly “on-brand,” is it?

Well, I hate to play saviour’s advocate, but to be fair to JC (and he deserves a bit of a break after what he’s been through), there are mitigating circumstances here. His opposite number had it coming; he’d been going around, trying to convince people he was the Messiah, despite only having one eye and the word “UNBELIEVER” tattooed on his forehead. Everyone knows ugly people can’t be heroes; just look at John Connor.

“What’s that? No, I don’t look like this because my character turns out to be a villain later on. Now take your pants off and get in that time machine.”

Naturally, this act will trigger the release of Gog and Magog, a vast tribe of people who don’t speak the language and drink all the water in Lake Tiberius. It’s every Daily Mail reader’s worst nightmare, which is ironic, because Jesus coming back down to earth and fucking shit up is every Daily Mail reader’s favourite wet dream.

Eventually, Gog and Magog take it too far and pick a fight with God, who promptly kills them all in one night with disease and worms, because “not a fuck does he giveth.” (1 Corinthians 6:9)

Anyway, while all this is going on you’d better bring something to distract the kids with during the car journey because a huge black cloud will cover the skies and the dead will walk the earth. Kids hate that.

I suggest trying to reach the Americas if you aren’t there already; for some reason the entire continent isn’t mentioned in any of the Abrahamic end times prophecies. Good luck!


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