Russell Wilson

OMG, Dangeruss.

I want to like Russell Wilson. I really do. He’s a great quarterback and the future of the NFL. But that poster.

Who thought that was a good idea? Who lets their friend / meal ticket do that? Nobody, that’s who. Russell Wilson needs a new entourage.

For starters: Isn’t the whole camo thing played out? And blue camo? Is Russell Wilson going to be floating in the sea and wishing to be unseen? Haven’t we as a society decided to let the actual military own that look, since they earn it every day?

Russell, you’re not in the military. You play football. And log guest spots in advertisements and awful, one-off Entourage movies. (I just saw it recently for free and I want my money back.) Who let wholesome Russell Wilson do a guest spot in Hollywood’s most infamous ode to hedonism?

Doesn’t anybody spellcheck?

In the long list of crimes against design contained in this Super Bowl Shuffle of a poster, a bizarre magic bag appears in the lower right corner. Wait. A magic bag? Isn’t the design theme “badass army/navy/aqua man”? Who came up with the idea of mixing metaphors with a magic reference? Someone who can’t spell, that’s who.

The black “magic” bag has this Photoshopped script: “MAGIC RUSS’S BAG OF TRICKS” (sic) on the side. But maybe that extra “S” after the apostrophe is part of the real theme: excessive everything.

Russ. Dude. Didn’t you get the sense that this was lame? Wasn’t your spidey sense tingling (I can change themes too if they can) during this shoot, thinking … “This is stupid. I don’t need this.”? You’re a married man now. Didn’t your wife have the good sense to stop you from this crime against vision? Ciara is a fashionista pop star. Consult with her next time, Russ.

What we’re left wondering

• Can you crumple up a “WANTED” poster better than you’re demonstrating?
• What the hell are “1st DOWN BALLS”?
• How does one go about enflaming a dime?
• Is that a CD next to your magic bag? Who still buys CDs?
• Are bicep bandannas a thing?
• How did “The Art of Score” get in that stack of books? Is your next gambit to be the NFL’s leading film scorer?
• Can you lose that “No Time to Sleep” clock? Studies show that sleep is very important to peak physical performance. And decision-making. (About things like poster designs.)
• Is that sadness or resignation in your eyes?

Russ, if this is a cry for help, we hear you. Give us a sign. (But please hire a different designer.) If your Why Not You Foundation is holding you against your will, smear more of that gallon of greasepaint onto your arms. We will definitely see it. And we’ll get you the help you need.