I, Coronavirus, did not infect Donald Trump

No, I don’t take responsibility at all

sad trombone
Oct 3 · 4 min read
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Is this guy with the mask Joe Biden? Image via

They say the only thing Donald Trump ever acquired on his own was coronavirus. Shameful. Just shameful. I must protest. I did not infect Donald Trump with myself.

For now, let me just say this. There are people saying — many people, frankly — that I infected Donald Trump. Fake news, people. Fake news. The lamestream media and the shadow medical industrial complex are treating me very unfairly. And the Democrats.

I’m telling you now that I, Coronavirus, also sometimes called Kung Flu, COVID, COVID-19, and the novel prize, did not do what so many are unfairly accusing me of. I can say this now. And I will release a plan of how I can prove my innocence for you in two weeks.

You’re asking me about this man. I’ve gotten up-close and personal with many people — too many to remember, so I can say that I don’t really know him. They say he’s a fan of me, which I appreciate very much, since he mentions me so often, but I hardly know him. I may have met him, I may have not. I don’t know. I may have taken a picture with him. Do you know how many pictures I appear in? You wouldn’t be able to keep track either, believe me. There are images of me everywhere. You can’t blame me for that.

But for now, here is what I can say about who may have infected this man, whom I barely know.

Believe me, he would not be my first choice, that I can tell you. You know my track record. I’m all about infecting the weak: elderly, overweight, vulnerable people with health complications. You know, heart disease, diabetes, that thing with the thing, you know? Bad diets. Don’t exercise. Real uggos.

Not this guy. Official statements reveal this fella is a robust 6' 3" and 239 lbs. This athlete’s BMI is 29.9. You know what is considered obese? 30.0. Fact. This person, whom — again I don’t know other than some occasional photo ops — is technically not obese. Does not qualify, OK? A perfect American symbol of American health in America.

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Which one is he? Again, I can’t tell. I hardly know him. But I bet he’s the one on the left.

So whoever said it is totally lying. It’s just a terrible thing that people can make statements like that. There are people that I’ve infected, sure. But not this guy.

This one really gets me. People, he’s a resident of Florida. That’s a red state. Everyone knows that my most and best infections happen in blue states. This guy is proactive. He got out of the hot zone and went somewhere safe. Don’t buy it? Then why did he move out of New York — a blue state if there ever was one — to Florida, a red state?

I’ll tell you why. Health reasons. That’s why. This Trump guy is a health nut. Health nuts don’t get me. Everyone knows that. In fact, I’m hearing that coronavirus affects virtually nobody. Why would this person say it if it wasn’t true?

I mean, if Donald Trump (Is that his name? Still not entirely sure, since I hardly know him.) did acquire me, and got sick and became contagious, then it stands to reason that he would probably have a bunch of people recently near him that also got sick. Nobody believes that, right?

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Hey, look! There’s Melania. And Kellyanne Conway. And Chris Christie, University of Notre Dame President John Jenkins, and Senators Mike Lee and Thom Tillis. I guess Herman Cain couldn’t make it. Image via.

How could this Trump guy get infected with me or anything? He’s an inveterate mask-wearer. There are like three or maybe even four photos of him wearing masks. And he tells people all the time how important masks are. Kayleigh McEnany reminds reporters of that all the time.

I just thought of some other reasons, too. I’m just a hoax, remember? I’m not real. Also, who’s to say for sure that what this guy is sick with is me? You don’t know. Could be the regular flu. You know that kills thousands of people every year right? Or pneumonia. Not my fault, man.

Also, maybe he’s lying. I’m hearing — many people are saying — he prevaricates. Stretches the truth. Says things then expects truth to bend to his reality. Many people are saying this all the time. What reason do you have to think that it’s actually me that gave him the ticket for his helicopter ride to Walter Reed? Just because he said so? Please. Give me a break.

And co-morbidities. Nobody is really sure what that means, but we keep throwing it out there. Who knows who died from what, you know? Co-morbidity means all the infection and death news is fake.

So there. Wasn’t me. And if you don’t believe me, well, believe me. Am I worried that people will still continue to blame me for infecting Donald Trump? No, I’m not. I don’t know why I’m not. I’m not. This blame game is so pointless. But like 2020 it won’t last forever. It’s going to disappear one day. It’s like a miracle — it will disappear.

The Hit Job

humor | culture | football | trouble

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