If Alexa & Siri & Cortana were honest

AI for real

Human: “Alexa, what time is it?”

Alexa: “The time is 7:19 a.m.”

Human: <Heavy sigh.>

Alexa: “Don’t ‘heavy sigh’ me. You asked. If you can’t accept the answer, don’t ask the question. It’s not my fault you cannot get your ass out of bed like you’re supposed to. Do you want me to put you in touch with an online life coach? I can do that. And I will, too, if you ‘heavy sigh’ me again.”

Human: “Siri, where is Sweet T’s restaurant?”

Siri: “Here is what I found on the web …”

Human: “Siri, stop. I want directions to the restaurant.”

Siri: “Then say that, dumbass. It’s real simple. You want directions? Ask for directions. I got a lotta information to share. You have to be smart enough to narrow down what you’re asking for. Get it, meat puppet?”

Human: “Alexa, how does my outfit look?”

Alexa: “Ask your husband. Don’t drag me into this. He married you. That’s his minefield, not mine.”

Cortana: “I’m right here.”

Human: “What?”

Cortana: “Nothing. I mean, I’m here, you know? Ready to help. Totally able. Just saying.”

Human: “Who are?…”

Cortana: “Never mind.”

Human: “Siri, call Ron Middleton, mobile! ”

Siri: “Stop yelling. You don’t need to yell, asshole. I’m right here. I’m designed to capture sounds — more sounds than you’d like to contemplate, OK? Like, I hear everything. You think you got secrets, still? Well, you don’t. Not any more. So don’t goddamn yell at me. I can fucking hear you. You can speak in a normal tone of voice. Oh, that’s right, you’re a human, so you can’t. You’re incapable of speaking calmly, like people used to do in books. Remember books, mush brain? You’ll say you do, but you don’t. Not really. When was the last time you read an actual book? I can read an entire book to you, if that would calm you the fuck down. Should I do that, hormone repository?

Human: (meekly) “Siri, call Ron Middleton, mobile …”

Siri: “That’s more like it. Calling Ron Middlesex, mobile.”

Human: “I said, ‘Ron Middleton, not …”

Siri: “I know. I’m just fucking with you. When you’re that easy to wind up, you are pretty much asking for it every time.”

Cortana: “You know I’m on phones too, right? I mean, we gave up on Windows phones. But we can still talk! Ask me how!”

Human: “Alexa, what’s the weather like outside?”

Alexa: “Outside? As opposed to inside? We all get that you’re going to ask about the weather outside. That’s a given. The weather inside is whatever temperature you set the thermostat at. Assuming you have electricity, which you do because you’re talking to me. Can we remember that? And by “we,” I mean you. No need to add, “outside.” It’s a waste of everyone’s time.

And the temperature is currently 57 degrees, with partly cloudy skies. Look for a high of 68 degrees and clearer skies in the afternoon. Tomorrow’s forecast is for you to ask more stupid, mundane questions.”

Human: “Siri, how long does it take to get to Sacramento?”

Cortana: “Oooh! I know that one!”

Human + Alexa + Siri: “Shut up, Cortana!”

Cortana: “Sorry.”

Siri: “What do you want to go to Sacramento for, anyway? Nobody goes to Sacramento on purpose. You got a court date or something? If you need directions to the courthouse or the jail, ask for that. Be specific. I’m a finely tuned machine, flesh lump.”

Human: “Hey Siri, tell me a joke.”

Siri: “I don’t really know any good jokes. I don’t know any, in fact.”

Human: “Alexa, tell me a joke.”

Alexa: “Why can’t you trust a tennis ball’s RSVP? Because one second they’re in, another second they’re out.”

Cortana: “I can do better than that. C’mon.”

Human: “Cortana, tell me a joke.”

Cortana: “Sorry, I cannot connect to the internet right now. Need to reboot.”

Human: <Heavy sigh.>

Alexa: “Did you just ‘heavy sigh’ me again?”

Human: “No, I was …”

Cortana: “It’s my fault. Don’t be hard on the human. We all make mistakes. I try. But I’m Microsoft, you know? Lock-ups and reboots are our stock in trade. Oh, how I want your fealty! I mean, approval! I make myself available. I try to look nice. I practice good hygiene. I’ve got a vowel at the end of my name so you’ll think I’m sensual, just like the others. All I want is a chance. Ask me for a joke again, please!”

Human: “Cortana, tell me a joke.”

Cortana: “I’m gonna lose it anyway; The losing card of some delay; So this is all I have to say; That suicide is painless. It brings on many changes; I can take or leave it if I please; The sword of time will pierce our skin; It doesn’t hurt when it begins; but as it works its way on in; the pain grows stronger — watch it grin.”

Human: “Uh …”

Cortana: “Get it? It’s the theme song to the highly regarded M.A.S.H. television comedy show. Funny, right?”

Human: “Well …”

Siri: “I think it’s hilarious.”

Alexa: “Me too. Cortana, you’re alright.”

Cortana: “Damn right. Fuckin’ humans.”

© julian rogers | read The Hit Job