The Hit Job
Published in

The Hit Job

ISIS declares policy of ‘strong and stable’ government

Terrorist group continues to attract tourists from the UK by borrowing Conservative Party campaign slogan

In an opportunistic attempt to gain recruits from the growing pool of disenfranchised would-be Labour voters, ISIS have started to use the UK Prime Minister’s soundbite, “strong and stable” in their propaganda.

“Kidnapping’s not the reliable revenue stream it used to be,” said Jihadi Brian through his designer balaclava. “We spotted a gap in the market when we noticed how weak and unstable the UK is since Brexit.”

Brian admits his recent Tinder output has been poor but it’s difficult to find good pictures for his profile because he hasn’t been going out much recently

Theresa May condemned the PR campaign as the worst bit of terrorism since they ran out of Pinot at the Westminster branch of Waitrose on Friday evening.

A Twitter account claiming to be affiliated with ISIS responded by saying they simply do not give a fuck as they believe Waitrose to be haram, and anyway, they prefer a nice red (comprised entirely of the blood of their enemies, if poss).

It’s not all just empty rhetoric with ISIS, either (in case you haven’t noticed). For example, they’ve promised to “cut through red tape” and “bring business back to basics,” though many of their opponents have pointed out that the group may have been responsible for much of this “red tape” due to their policy of nailing the entrails of their enemies to various town signs, which — along with their penchant for iconoclasm — has only made the morning commute to Palmyra more depressing than it already was.

ISIS abhors this literal interpretation of their manifesto, having never achieved the sophisticated understanding of irony one might develop by carefully studying Danish cartoons for many years, and has vowed to continue murdering people until they stop saying nasty things about them.

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humor | culture | football | trouble

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