The Hit Job
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The Hit Job

Jared Kushner uses voice to land major role in new Muppet movie

“Why are there so many songs about rainbows?” asks Kushner, in song.

So, after months of speculation, Jared Kushner finally went from silent film, to “talkies,” and his unique, prepubescent voice, reminded many Americans of the Brady Bunch episode where Peter Brady, using his fancy new hormones, attempts to sing “A Time To Change” in cracking pre-teen tones.

Now, Disney, owner of Marvel, Star Wars and the Muppets (Motto: “We now own ALL things”), has contracted Kushner to provide the voice of Walter Muppet, on all Muppet films going forward.

Pictured: Jared Kushner

While Hollywood insiders are very excited about Kushner’s new role, many Americans worry it will take time away from Kushner’s attempts to learn human facial expressions, mannerisms, and other traits associted with earthlings, in order to “fit in better,” and “further understand our customs to eventually look less eerie, strange and unsettling.” However, it is ironic that Kushner and Walter Muppet, both have the exact same range of facial expression, which in hindsight, makes Kushner indeed seem an obvious choice.

I spoke to Donald Trump, to attempt to get his thoughts on Kushner’s new film endeavors, via the microwave oven I usually use to contact Obama with. (Most journalists, can now only talk to Sean Spicer, who tells us to talk to Sarah Huckabee, who tells us to talk to Trump’s lawyer, who tells us to talk to HIS lawyer, who directs us to his intern, Kevin, who says “No Comment.” My microwave oven / spy communications device, allows me to deftly circumvent this). Trump had this to say:

“I’m very proud of Jared. So far he’s tasked with creating peace in the Middle East, balancing the budget, inventing a new form of space-flight, reorginizing the entire government, creating a fun new dance craze, which I, myself named ‘The Covfefe’, and now this movie. It’s amazing how much he gets done, due to his species not needing sleep. It’s true. They never sleep. Anyway, when I saw that Jared bought a building in Manhattan, one that might be haunted, for only three times what it was worth, I knew he’d be the exact, right man to eventually run all three branches of government singlehandedly, as well as all most key positions in my own cabinet.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to have meetings with Russian officials, behind closed doors, where the US press is barred, so that I can give them very highly classified information, so that I’ll look less suspicious, and clarify why Hillary’s e-mails were such a HUGE deal. Also, Covfefe! We must never, ever forget. Covfefe.…”

Pictured: Donald Trump, the 45th president of the United States

Kushner’s main nemesis, thus far, has been Stephen Bannon.

Stephen Bannon first appeared when an asteroid crashed on Earth, and the substance that oozed out of it infected a nest of spiders, whose nest was adjacent to some spoiled meat tainted with botulism, becoming a perfect storm for creating a brand new, never before seen, organism, which is why Bannon has since been studied worldwide by top geneticists.

After his second molting, he went on to prominence as a world-class figure skater, and he later revolutionized journalism by creating Breitbart News, the only publication to ever be constructed using lost souls summoned by spells read aloud from the book of the dead, and printed on actual, human skin.

Bannon’s been at odds with Kushner, because both of their species feed on human suffering, so there has been much competition between them for nourishment, which is why Mitch McConnell is never allowed near either of them, (as McConnell’s species, Gameronians, also feed on human suffering, as evidenced by that time McConnell destroyed Japan, and ironically, had to be stopped by none other than Godzilla).

A photo of Stephen Bannon as a child, taken shortly after his first molting, but before his second molting.

Many fear that Kushner’s new Hollywood endeavors will give Bannon more power in the White House, which may cause Bannon to eventually rewrite laws that prevent Bannon from laying his eggs, such as the Geneva convention, and other legalities to biological breeding as pertains to war.

However, scholars and sociologists, after hearing Kushner’s voice, now predict Kushner WILL, indeed, be able to solve bringing peace to the Middle East. I spoke with noted sociologist, and an expert on Middle East relations, Ahmed Akake, (pronounced Ah Med A Cake, which sounds delicious) who said:

“All our models and charts, are now showing that when Kushner addresses Israel and the Arab nations, they’ll all fall off of their chairs laughing as soon as they hear his voice, and forget what they were mad about in the first place, despite 2000 years of conflict. Many of us have independently come to this conclusion. When Kushner addresses them, They will say things like “Yala, listen to that voice, tee hee hee, I’m laughing so hard I cannot breathe!” and “Ask him if he’ll perform at children’s parties and play the banjo.”

“The level of mirth that Kushner's voice will create, will indeed show that they’re not so different, and will be the first step toward creating a lasting peace, as both the Israelis and the Arab leaders take turns imitating Jared’s voice and cracking each other up, causing them to form actual friendships.”

So, EXCITED that Kushner will solve the Middle East by using his amazingly goofy voice that’s tiny, tooney and audibly quite looney? Are YOU working on a Jared Kushner impression as you’re reading this? Let us know in the comments below!

Written by Steven W. Rouach

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c)2017 SWRouach




humor | culture | football | trouble

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Steven Rouach

Steven Rouach

Is a carbon based life form from Earth. Anyone who tells you he's not is absolutely lying. He's known for being dashing, heroic & humanity's last, best, hope.

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