Jesus fucking Christ, Facebook. You really need to die now.

No longer are we ambivalent about your demise. We’re cheering for it.

I know in this metaphor I’m Goldfinger and things did not turn out well for him, but OMG how satisfying this would be.

You clutter. You misdirect. You champion pernicious forces working on behalf of antagonistic governments that managed — through the exploitation of your platform — to sway the 2016 presidential election through fraudulent posts and advertisements.

You change your algorithms. You fire human editors. You continue building a monolith that eats away at the good will and ruthlessly invades the privacy of every single user of your platform.

And you pose as a champion of free speech. A unifier. A platform for the disenfranchised who now gets a voice.

But mostly, you lie. You fuck up. You fuck us over. You enrage as you disengage. Let us count but a few of the ways.

You make rulings. You hide humans so there can be no reasonable recourse.

Let me remind you …

I publish a post on Facebook on Friday. I get an annoying reminder from you at 8:30 a.m. on the next Monday, saying: “People who follow [your stupid, futile, pointless page] haven’t heard from you in awhile. Post something.”

Monday. Fucking. Morning. Less than three full days since my last post. Over a weekend.

Most hated: №18 with a bullet

Only #18? Why, Facebook. You’re underachieving. My prediction: You’ll be top 5 before the year is over. I already hate you more than the Weinstein company. At least I can watch a movie they produced or distributed without associating it with the brand.

As for you, I can’t see anything on Facebook with out being overrun with the Facebookyness of your Facebookness. Logo. Clutter. Logo. Clutter. Noisenoisenoise.

“Currently, American consumers are relatively dissatisfied with Facebook. The company has a score of 68 out of 100 on the ACSI scale, nearly the lowest of any social media platform and well below the industry average of 73.”

I protest. “Relatively” dissatisfied? We’re fully dissatisfied.

My inbox? 16 notifications?

Time to clear out my Facebook inbox. I’ve got 16 notifications waiting for me. 16!

and yet:

This has been going on for months. I click on my inbox to see my 16 unmoving notifications and … and … AND … nothing. There is nothing there. And the “notification” won’t go away.

Question: O Facebook engineering geniuses … Why do you take me to an empty page when I click on your notification? Why do I have to hunt around to find what … let’s be absolutely clear about this … YOU SENT ME TO?

All the billions of dollars you suck up from the world, and you can’t stop yourself from committing this basic web design principle?

Worse than Reddit

I published an article recently. Ever so dutifully, I shared it on Facebook. The reach it got was … nominal. Bullshit. Nothing. Typical.

Fortunately (?) it was liked and shared by a woman I know. She liked it and shared it on the Facebook platform. The result of her post of my work was numerous comments and likes. She got ’em all. Facebook and her online friends think she’s a clever, humorous gal who gets it. Good for her.

I wrote it. I published it. She gets all the Facebook glory. Facebook’s algorithm continues to love her and ignore me. To Facebook, she’s social gold: high engagement, positive responses … a happy, high-functioning bubble life. I. Get. Nothing.

Did I mention that I wrote it? It was my work?

This little bug (or is it a feature?) in Facebook’s business is the same problem seen in the heinous rat-fuck known as Reddit.

Once, years ago before I abandoned the cesspool, I published an article. I shared it in an appropriate subreddit. It got virtually nothing in terms of Reddit’s precious upvotes.

Some other enterprising content curator posted a link to my article … yes, you can see where this is going … Slappy McEasyWayOut got 147 upvotes. My work. His gratification.

That’s Reddit. That’s also Facebook. When you’re down in the muck with Reddit … well, Russian trolls love you. At least you’ll always have that.

Seriously. You can both go away.