ego and humor and ego

John Barron writes Vlad’s declaration of victory speech

I’m hearing he is not Donald Trump

Thank you, thank you. Da. Thank you.

Folks, they said we couldn’t win. Couldn’t be done. People came up to me, big manly Russian men and women, with tears in their eyes, and said, “Mr. Putin, sir, you can’t mean it. It’s crazy. It’s too bold. Too macho. It can’t be done. We can’t just invade another country and expect them to roll over. It’ll never work.”

Those Russian women. Whew. What do we think about them, huh? Some of them, not my style, I have to say. But others, you know. Da! There are all kinds. Some of them, well, you know. Anyway, lots of them came up to me and wanted to tell me how much they appreciated the wa- special military operation.

It’s true. That’s what they said. Believe me. Said it couldn’t be done. But folks … I did it. I’m here to tell you now. Our special military operation is a big success. Huge success, in fact. I’m hearing many people are saying it.

Many people are thanking me. Many congratulations. So many. “Make Russia great again,” is what I said. And now they are saying it too.

Some people ask why. “Sir,” they say. “Why did you do it? What purpose does it serve? Did so many people have to die?” Some died, maybe. Many did not. Who’s to say? The westerners said many died, but how do we know they’re not lying like they always do about Mother Russia?

Speaking of Mother Russia …

You want to know why? I’ll tell you why. I did it for Mother Russia. Who is Mother Russia, some ask? Good question. Many people are asking this question. What does she look like? Has she modeled? I tell you she could. She probably could. Get her a contract with Ford, I say. Who’s with me? She could probably get in Playboy. It’s true. I shouldn’t say that. Probably going to get in trouble, but whatever. I love Mother Russia! Don’t we all love Mother Russia? We do. I know you do. Yeah.

You want to know more? Yeah? Alright. Alright. I’ll give you more. How about this? I got one word for you. You ready? Here it is: Nazis. That’s right. Nazis. We went there to rid Ukraine of Nazis. And we did, too. Not a single one left. Believe me.

Big victory. Big. Really big. Who doesn’t love a huge victory? Hardly cost us anything. Practically nothing. Some say, “Ooh, what about the sanctions? What about the cost? What about our soldiers?”

I say, “What about how genius it was? How about that?” Sanctions, schmankshuns. What can they do to us? Yesterday you had potato. Today, you have potato. Tomorrow, maybe two potatoes. Who knows? One potato, two potato, three potato, four. Who’s with me?

If you don’t like potato then have beets. Or vodka. We could all stand to lose a few pounds, right? Some say that I could, but I don’t have the time for that. I’m too busy working for glorious Russia. Mother Russia. I did it for her. Hopefully she’ll show her appreciation, if you know what I mean.

I kid. I probably shouldn’t say that.

Some paid a price, sure. That’s sad. But what did it cost me? Cost Russia? Nothing. I’m telling you. Nothing. Folks, we planned for everything. It was long overdue to imprison some of my top advisers. They had it coming. Sad. Very sad. But it had to be done. I did us all a favor, believe me. They say some Russian generals died. Folks, generals die all the time. We all know that. But you know what? You didn’t die. That’s right. You didn’t. So let’s be happy, OK?

And all that military equipment we left behind? Didn’t need it. Old stuff. Like Soviet era. We’re modernizing and the west hates us for it. They hate us for it. But I say, “Look. We have a right to modernize our army. Our planes. Our tanks. Our missile thingies.” They just say, “Oh no, Mr. Putin. You cannot do that. You cannot have a strong Russia.” I say, “Oh yes I can.” And look at where we are now. Just look at it. People respect us for that. They love us. Except the west. They’re jealous haters. Always with the hate. They just don’t get it. Folks, they don’t get it.

Sure, we lost some people. A few people. But they knew what they were doing. They knew what they signed up for. Some of ’em, anyway. Hey. When I found out that our conscripts were sent into Ukraine I immediately said, “No. Nyet. Bring ’em home. Bring them back to their mamas.” That’s what I said. We’ve got Chechens for that. And Belarussians for that.

Belarus. Belarus. I just realized that “Belarus” is like “Belarussian.” “Russian.” Get it? BelaRUSSIAN. They’re like us. Practically the same. Can’t believe nobody else figured that out before. I just came up with that term, BelaRUSSIAN, just now.

And thanks to the Chechens, too. Tough guys. Really tough. I mean they owed us. Glad to know they didn’t try to skip out. And some of those Syrian guys too. We had like a coalition. All the best fighters with the best brains. Cool uniforms. Love the beards. That’s what I asked for. And folks, look at where we are now. Can’t argue with results. Or Chechens. I kid!

So many people wanted to join us in this wa- special military operation. So many. I practically had to beat them off with a stick, I’m telling you. These are tough guys. Serious people, believe me. They begged me to let them help. “Sir,” they said. “Let us be part of your glorious victory.” That’s what they said.

I said, “No, no. Mother Russia can do it alone.” But they begged. Got down on their knees and begged. I said, “OK.” I told them it was OK, you know? “Sure. Be part of our glorious victory.” But don’t take too much credit! “And stick around!” I told ’em. Moldova, Finland … you’re looking pretty good right now. Mother Russia might pay you a visit soon. You know? What do you think about that? Huh? Ever been to Finland? You just might get to go soon. Nice fjords there. I think. Right? They have the fjords?

Anyways, enjoy yourselves. It’s a big win. Big, big win. We have secured peace through our glorious might. The way it always works. God bless.