Librarian, forced to buy a children’s biography of Donald Trump, turns to bourbon.

Librarians have long been the harbingers of neutrality, even if they themselves are far from neutral. They hold the keys to information, honor-bound to make that information available to the public regardless of their feelings about it.

One librarian felt the full force of this burden last week when a child at her school asked where the new Donald Trump books were.

The girl, who is one of these kids that thinks it’s “hella funny” (that’s right, “hella” has made a comeback with 10-year-olds) to check out books on Hitler and 9/11, really wants a Donald Trump book apparently.

The librarian says: “Are you asking me to purchase a biography of Donald Trump? Of course I will, if you’re requesting one.” She keeps a frozen smile on her face, maintaining that air of neutrality required of her profession — that heart full of neutrality Zapp Brannigan hates so much.

The child tells the librarian to buy it, laughing uproariously. “Won’t it be so funny when I check out a Donald TRUMP” book?” she asks her friends. “And I’ll be like ‘I’m reading about Donald Trump!’ It’s so funny, right? Because who wants to read about Donald Trump?!”

The girl and her friends crack up, leaving the library, now dark and hollow with the promise the librarian made. The librarian stares into space, summoning up the courage to shop for Donald Trump biographies online.

Bile makes a new home in the librarian’s throat as she shops for the biography, scanning through images of Trump awash in the glow of victory, getting inaugurated, and dodging bright, red balloons while thousands of white people cheer.

My God, the librarian thinks.This is worse than I thought it would be. There is only one answer: bourbon.

Lots of bourbon.

The librarian is found days later, roaming the streets and slurring to anyone who will listen: “Did you know Donald Trump is a germaphobe?” and “Did you know Trump has his own board game?” to anyone who will listen. Drunk from bourbon and the weight of information she never wanted to have, the librarian is lost to us now.

But she’ll be back first thing Monday, with a smile, ready to answer any and all of your questions about dismantling raccoon latrines, the best way to strangle children, and German pornography. It is the librarian’s oath sworn.

Copyright Fox


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