Local man has never sexually harassed a woman

As a cascade of reported incidents of sexual harassment continues to come to light, including accusations against film mogul Harvey Weinstein, talk show host Bill O’Reilly, photographer Terry Richardson, restaurateur John Besh, and many others, social scientists studying the phenomenon have made an unexpected discovery: a man who has never sexually harassed a woman.

“At first, we just didn’t believe it,” sociologist Robert Smith, who oversaw the study, said at a press conference announcing the discovery. “Simply put, we didn’t think this species of man existed.”

Dr. Smith and his colleagues studied the man’s background extensively, but were unable to determine what could be the cause of his unusual behavior.

“We think he’s just some sort of freak of nature,” Dr. Smith said.

To counter skepticism about their findings, Dr. Smith had the man appear at the press conference. The utterly unique man, identified as Bob Hanson of Holtsville, Long Island, confirmed that he had never committed even a single act of sexual harassment. “Sometimes, even I can’t believe it,” Mr. Hanson said.

Dr. Jones said he planned to continue to study this bizarre man, in the hopes of shedding light on how to get men to refrain from sexual harassment.

Asked by reporter Julie Clark whether he thought sexual harassment could ever be eliminated, Dr. Jones responded, “Well I hope so, because it’s a very serious problem. It’s a real challenge, but I do have some ideas. And if you take your shirt off, honey, I just might tell you about them.”


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