Merriam-Webster’s politically offensive additions and updates for 2020
Amerika. noun \ Amer·i·ca | \ ə-ˈmer-ə-kə \
A nation of complacent, coddled assholes finally waking up to a long-overdue, interminable day of reckoning.
“Suck it, Amerika, you narcissistic, Tiger-King-watching miserable lot pricks.”
Apocalips. noun \ apoc·a·lypse | \ ə-ˈpä-kə-ˌlips \
When your dictation software glitches, causing every sentence you utter to be transformed into meaningless, garbled walruses.
“Todd’s unfortunate apocalips ruined another promising text relationship.”
Buttigeig. noun \ Boot·uh·judge | \ ˈbüt ˈə ˈjəj \
An impressive feat of political, popular, or mainstream acceptance or ascent by a gay person in a nontraditional setting.
“Wow, Kevin really pulled a Buttigeig at that Masonic Lodge meeting.”
Chad. noun \ˈchad\
A man who tries to grab his spouse’s p*ssy between Zoom meetings, even though they’ve both gained 20 pounds, resemble half-drunk yetis, and haven’t showered for days.
“Hey, Siri, find a divorce lawyer. Chad has groped me for the last time.”
Civiliesation. noun \ civ·i·li·za·tion | \ ˌsi-və-lə-ˈzā-shən \
The dawning realization that America is a nation founded on a system of institutional racism, oppression, slaughter, immorality, and lies by cross-dressing imperialist superspreaders.
“Children, gather round and let me tell you the true story of our civiliesation.”
Covfefe. noun \ co-fee-fee | \ ˈkōvˈfē ˈfē \
A milder, more curable form of COVID-19 only contracted by the rich, immoral, and unrepentant.
“President Trump’s covfefe was easily treated by a helicopter ride to Walter Reed, the care of 13 clinicians, intravenous doses of remdesivir and steroids, and an SUV victory lap down Rockville Pike.”
Democrazy. noun \ de·moc·ra·cy | \ di-ˈmä-krə-sē \
The idea that the United States has a fair and rational form of government.
“Amerika proved that one election can’t undo decades of democrazy.”
Dystopeeia. noun \ dys·to·pia | \ dis-ˈtō-pē-ə \
The disturbing urge to urinate when discussing COVID-19, climate change, craft cocktails, or other apocalyptic signs of our impending doom.
“Watching CNN made my dystopeeia so bad, I had to wear Depends.”
Ickstremist. noun \ ick·strem·ist| \ ik-ˈstrē-mist \
An angry, unmasked person waving a misspelled sign, wearing camouflage, and scream-spitting SKOAL juice in your face.
“Make sure to wear a full-body condom to visit Uncle Joe because he’s an ickstremist.”
Four Seasons Total Landscaping. noun \ Four Sea·sons To·tal Land·scap·ing\ ˈfȯr-ˈsē-zᵊn-ˈtō-tᵊl-ˈlan(d)-skāp-iŋ \
An event touted as swanky that turns out to be sleazy.
“Ronnie’s bar mitzvah at the Best Western was a full-on Four Seasons Total Landscaping.”
Karen. noun \ Ka·ren | \ kə-ˈren \
An insufferable woman who posts elaborate home-cooked meals on her Instagram while bemoaning the hardships of remote schooling, missed manicures, a messy house, and still having a job.
“The last straw in my friendship with Karen was when she posted that paella.”
Home schooling. noun \ home school·ing | \ ˈhōm — ˈskü-liŋ\
A euphemism for letting your kids do whatever they want all day so that you can fully apply yourself to working remotely, mind-numbing panic attacks, and the occasional lesson about Jesus.
“Home schooling has really improved my kids’ online gaming skills.”
Liberal (secondary meaning). noun \ lib·er·al | \ ˈli-b(ə-)rəl \
A person who believes masks minimize the threat of COVID-19.
“Those liberals are disrespecting my rights by not breathing COVID all over me.”
Proud Boy. noun \ˈprau̇d ˈbȯi \
A man who is so impressed by his own bigotry, racism, and stupidity that he can only be called a child.
“Though they had no clue what the rally was for, the Proud Boys enthusiastically showed up to get drunk and roam the streets, looking for a fight.”
OK, Boomer. noun, idiom \ ō-ˈkā ˈbü-mər \
A pejorative expression used to belittle people old enough to remember the hit 1980s TV show Here’s Boomer about a heroic stray mutt who wanders from town to town helping people overcome challenges.
Punditz. noun \ ˈpən-dəts \
A group of political commentators who are completely full of sh*t.
“Let’s turn now to our punditz for some divisive analysis and inflammatory rhetoric.”
Remote learning. noun \ ri-ˈmōt ˈlər-niŋ \
A euphemism for four hours a day of monotonous, screen-based activity that impart no learning whatsoever but thankfully prevent your child from disrupting you repeatedly at work to ask where his Baby Yoda hoodie is.
“Instead of a time out, I thought it would be educational to send my son into remote learning.”
Russian interference. noun \ ˈrə-shən ˌin-tər-ˈfir-ən(t)s \
A fool-proof, common idiom denouncing Russia as the root of all governmental malfeasance.
“Perhaps the earliest modern sign of Russian interference was standardized testing.”
Socialist. noun \ ˈsō-sh(ə-)list \
Anyone benefiting from infrastructure, transportation, public schools, parks, libraries, public safety, the military, Medicare, and Social Security. Or has ever used a rest-stop bathroom.
“A bunch of socialists are taking a breath right now in Amerika.”
Sociopath. noun \ ˈsō-sē-ə-ˌpath \
A person who openly expresses disdain for 99 percent of the population, yet still captures 47 percent of the popular vote in a presidential election.
“The sociopath was ousted, thanks to the thin residual threads of human decency.”
Tiger King. noun \ ˈtī-gər ˈkiŋ \
Any overhyped streaming television series inexplicably binge-watched by millions of people.
“IMHO, Cobra Kai turned out to be just another Tiger King in disguise.”
Toobin. noun \ ˈtü ˈbin \
A person with an irrepressible need to touch and/or show his genitalia during Zoom meetings.
“We had to take the weekly sales meeting offline once Ron revealed he was a Toobin.”
White privilege (secondary meaning). noun \ ˈ(h)wīt ˈpriv-lij \
The societal advantage that comes with having a huge cache of toilet paper.
“Sharon denied her white privilege until neighbors broke down her door and carried her Charmin Mega Rolls incontrovertibly through the streets.”
Woke (secondary meaning). adjective \ ˈwōk \
When you look ugly as f*ck in your Zoom meeting because you literally woke up 3 minutes before it started.
“I’m turning off the camera because I’m so woke right now.”
Yeet. noun, verb, adjective \ ˈyēt \
A multipurpose, highly utilitarian Gen Z slang term that has so many fluid meanings it can be yeeted in place of almost any part of speech in the English language.
“’Yeet!’ Chuck roared in celebration after yeeting his underwear into the yeeting crowd.”
Zoom. noun \ ˈzüm \
A popular web-based videoconferencing tool that exposes people’s facial flaws, technological incompetence, and poor taste in interior design.
“I would rather risk COVID than endure another Zoom cocktail hour.”
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