Last week my employers tried to fire me for a bunch of so-called fake offenses. The only thing offensive was the fact that these morons — really the dumbest people ever to run a company, period — think they have the right to tell me how to do my job!
Here’s what my loser employers claim (WRONG!) that I did over the last two and a half years while I was working, and I’m literally the hardest working man in America. Counting women too, although I’m sure some of them are very hard workers … just not as hard working as me.
- Golfing one out of every nine work days. Yes, I went golfing 221 times since the beginning of 2016, but I was working deals on the course because I’m always working. Always. My VERY STUPID employers should know this, as everything I do benefits them and their ungrateful families.
- Calling several of our business partners’ offices “shitholes.” I’m stating a fact, everybody knows it, even our shithole-dwelling partners. You can’t fault me for stating a fact, unless you’re my LOSER employers. Then you can fault me for everything… but I don’t care. Nobody believes them.
- Stealing company money. Really? Really??? First I make the company the most successful it’s ever been, ever, then I save them even more money by staying at my beach house when I’m on business trips. Sure, I bill the company $10,000 per night, because the company covers lodging. I get to chose where; that’s how it works. And I schedule all my business trips near my beach house. Who cares? It’s my job and I can do it however the hell I want. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, you whining do-nothing employers.
- Working a side job. This shouldn’t even be a real charge. I can work ten jobs at once if I want to, okay? First, I’m the hardest working man (or women, because some women work) in the world. Second, I’m the most successful at absolutely EVERYTHING I do. I even wrote a book about it — it’s the core to every class at all REAL business schools. Third, if I want to work a few real estate deals on the side, that’s fine. It’s equally fine if I do it during business meetings, and get our company clients (the SMART ones) to invest in those deals. Everybody WINS and my employers have no right to tell me how to run my life.
- Sexual harassment. Don’t make me laugh … back in the day, this was simply called a compliment. Some ladies want a piece of my money and make up things I said, even things I said on video, and everybody assumes the worst. I paid them to shut up and that should be the end of it. I won’t let them drag up the past. We live in the PRESENT.
Now my employers want me to come to some HR committee to discuss losing my job over some BULLSHIT fake conspiracy theory that I bribed a client to dig up some dirt on a coworker. So what if I did? If there’s dirt, we should see it and give the client something nice for helping out. But it’s not like that; what everybody’s saying isn’t true. These MORON employers put together some fake documents and got an “anonymous coworker” (RAT, NARC, LEAKER, CON MAN … probably con woman) to lie. It’s sad, really. Pathetic.
I didn’t come to their little HR meeting. And I won’t. I don’t have to because my employers aren’t following the legal criminal process. They’re following the stupid company manual that I signed and swore to follow when I started working here — but that’s not right. Anybody who’s seen Law & Order knows employment issues need to be settled in court. That kangaroo HR court has no judge, no employees who report to me, and no opportunity to look those lying leakers in the eye while I strangle their necks and ruin their miserable lives.
I told my employers that I don’t recognize their authority to fire me. NICE TRY! My employers are sheep; they’ll back down if they know what’s good for them and this company. And tomorrow, I’m showing up for work again — on the golf course near my beach house!