Need money laundered — Trump & America are here to help! The USA is #1 for the best and cleanest Russian money laundering!
A clean start for dirty money
So, have some dirty rubles that need to be converted to shiny, clean American dollars? Fret not, the Trump administration is here to help!
Besides untold hundreds of millions of Russian mafia money filtered through past Trump real estate deals, now, America is willing to ignore $230 million Russian tax-fraud schemes, in exchange for Soviet-sponsored Hillary info!
This particular tax fraud / money laundering scheme, performed by Denis Katsyv, from Russia with love, was brought to light by a whistle-blower named Sergei Magnitsky, who was arrested and died in a Moscow prison in 2009.
An official Russian investigation of Magnitsky’s death reported: “he died of natural causes, that were completely unrelated to constant savage beatings and torture.” Also, according to Russian officials: “Magnitsky’s skull was always that shape, and always had shards of bone and skull piercing his brain. We think the REAL cause of his death was due to gluten intake. Either too much gluten, or too little, we just have no way of being sure!”
FUN FACT: The lawyer in charge of Russia’s interests in the Katsyv case is none other than NATALIA VESELNITSKAYA, inventor of using deflated Macy’s Parade Balloon Floats as giant hats, that can fit on her enormous, gigantic, unfathomable head. (Which, interestingly, has yet to be mapped and charted by explorers, as of yet. Her head is considered “the last frontier /undiscovered country on Earth.”)
In an apparently completely unrelated incident, that really doesn’t seem at all suspicious in any way, shape, or form, (even though it might seem highly suspicious to people who are originally FROM Earth), after Veselnitskaya met with Donald Trump, Jr., Jared Kushner, Paul Manafort, and (Daniel Webster nemesis), Satan, in Trump Towers in NYC, the $230 million Russian tax-fraud scheme & money-laundering case in Manhattan — REPRESENTED BY VESELNITSKAYA — was settled for just $6 million in May — three days before it was to go to trial. By The Justice Department.*
(*Formerly known as the American Justice Department)
This was helped along by Jefferson Sessions, who lives in a tree and also runs the DOJ. (which is now an acronym for: department of justice for old, corrupt, racist, white men who wish they were in Dixie and Overtly enjoy mint Juleps). Sadly, Sessions needed help signing the papers from the DOJ to settle the case, because Sessions is the same or lesser height as most pens, pencils and other writing implements, causing Sessions to state “I DO declare!” as it was being signed.
The person who arranged the meeting between Trump’s campaign and Veselnitskaya, was noted health and exercise guru Rob “Hot Lips” Goldstone, whose chiseled, perfect physique, movie-star-handsome features, and totally human shaped head can be seen below, in a famous ad campaign for Russian styled hats.
Goldstone arranged the meeting because he was very excited to show Trump Jr., Kushner, Manafort (and whichever KGB agents were on the east coast that day), that someone alive in existence actually has a larger head that he does.
So, he was thrilled to have them see Veselnitskaya’s head and his own, somehow contained within the same structure. Scientists have since noted that having Goldstone’s and Veselnitskaya’s heads in the same location, at the same time, caused measurable tidal shifting, and effected the orbits of American satellites.
Goldstone was ALSO excited about the meeting, because Natalia “hat-size infinty symbol” Veselnitskaya was willing to trade Russian espionage based Hillary information with the Trump campaign in exchange for influencing her case — which, it bears repeating — was settled for $6 million in May, three days before it was to go to trial! Saving her client $224 million dollars and, more importantly, UNFREEZING HIS ASSETS! FUN!!!
Donald Jr. claims no information was exchanged, as easily evidenced by Trump Sr. …
- Immediately announcing he has BIG NEWS about Hillary -coming soon!!
- Tweeting about the “30,000 emails” that Russia has of Hillary’s.
- Asking Russia ON TV to release the emails, like a private infomercial.
- Telling the Republican party to remove anything against Russia from their agenda.
- Denying that Russia had anything to do with Russian hacking … that originated in Russia … and was done by Russians, on Putin’s orders … a man who lives in Russia and runs Russia’s government.
Over the ensuing time, Donald Trump, Jr. has also weighed in his thoughts about the meeting. As one could possibly infer from the chronologically ordered transcripts below, his story subtly changed over time.
- “What meeting?”
- “There was no meeting.”
- “Explain what you mean by “meeting”?
- “I’ve never met anybody, ever, in my entire life, except for animals that I immediately murder as I come into contact with them, or, really any living thing, actually. ... That’s why my father, Don Trump, the Don of the Idiotso crime family of New York, felt it best I not meet with people, as litigation and hush money would get expensive.”
- “It’s really hard to shave, because I don’t have a chin. Just another reason why I don’t have meetings.”
- “There was a meeting but it was only about adoption. I just want to adopt Russian children because I have SO much love to give!”
- “Okay, I wanted to adopt Russian children because I want to hunt them for sport, with a high-powered rifle. Is THAT more believable? Good. Glad that’s settled. Also, it’s a WITCH HUNT!”
- “The meeting about adoption was actually about getting Russian government information against Hillary, to help Russia win an American election.”
- “The meeting for collusion with Russia against our democracy, was in exchange for dropping the Denis Katsyv case, the Magnitsky sanctions, unfreezing Russian assets, and diligently fighting to relieve ALL other Russia based sanctions, even though it’s going to look really, REALLY suspicious that my father’s administration keeps attempting this.”
- “I’m very excited that one of my human victims is going to medically donate a chin to me, due to a forged signature.”
- “Soon I will have a human chin, which will make me feel more confident when I have secret meetings with hostile foreign agents, who my father is in bed with, to make a mockery of America’s democratic process.”
- “Sean Hannity asked me out. I’m SO nervous, I can’t decide what to wear!”
Written By Steven W. Rouach
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