Hey, gals. It’s me — a fellow white lady. Are you crying right now thinking about all of your white tears? Are you wondering if THIS is what it must feel like to be marginalized every day, all of your life? Are you hoping that this satirical DIY list will be the one that absolves you of all blame? Sorry. It’s not. But I’m not here to be above you. After all, I AM you [a white lady]!

I know what you’re thinking: but if I can’t weaponize my white tears, what on earth will I DO with them? I’ve got great news for you. You don’t have to let those white tears go to waste! Here are five amazing DIY uses for your white tears.

1. The lavender-vanilla “put your fucking phone down and stop dialing 911” scented candle

Fragrance oil ingredients: 1 oz. lavender aromatherapy oil, 1 oz. vanilla oil, 1 oz. white tears

If you are a person who calls 911 at the drop of a hat, especially when you see such “crimes” as a brown or black person napping, barbecuing, not smiling enough, or walking down the street, you NEED to put down your phone and start saving your white tears today, for two very important reasons:

Reason One: No feeling of smug righteousness or fake fear is going to be better than this sweet-scented candle. Let me tell you, ladies — it’s a beaut. When people visit you they are going to be like “Wow, that is the best candle I’ve ever smelled — whatEVER is that lovely fragrance?” and only you’ll know: it’s your white tears.

Reason Two: Calling the police on the POC community for bullshit reasons is actually violent and you should know better by now. While you’re calling the police to report a noise complaint or an arbitrary rule being broken, remember every time you reach for that phone that a person could fucking get SHOT if you do it. When you call the police, you are telling people with guns that there is a threat to safety. Think about that.

2. The lime-pomegranate “Now I know what this feels like” Cosmo

Ingredients: 1 1/2 cups of the whitest vodka (probably Skyy), 2 limes, 1 cup pomegranate juice, 1/2 cup orange liqueur, 1 oz. white tears

Look, I’m no stranger to white tears. I’ve been called out and, yes, it felt shitty. I’m still ashamed of the defensive way in which I responded to that call-out and, although apologies help, I will also need to do the work for the rest of my life to make sure I don’t respond that way again. But you know what it didn’t do? It didn’t have any externally recognizable negative impact on my life.

Don’t act like two years of having people call you “Becky” means that you know what it is to be black in America. That’s bullshit. Our white feelings being hurt is NOT the same as centuries of slavery and marginalization. I know sometimes we can’t control tears and emotions — it happens. The best thing to do if you find yourself overwhelmed by emotion is to

  1. excuse yourself or
  2. make sure people aren’t focusing all of their comfort on YOU, the person who hurt someone.

So, next time you feel like pulling a “SAME!” with your black friend (you know — the one you keep casually mentioning to people) about how you’ve been treated as a white liberal in Trump’s America, use those white tears to spice up a cosmopolitan because, let’s face it, us white ladies LOVE our cosmos. Yum!

3. Oppression Olympics “but I’m Irish!” Irish coffee

Supplies and Ingredients: Whatever “fair trade” coffee you can find (probably Starbucks — they always tell the truth about their fair trade practices, right?); coffee roaster, grinder, white tears

Have you been going full-on Nancy Drew to try and figure out how you’ve been marginalized so that you can settle back into your comfortable and blameless existence? This great DIY coffee made with copious amounts of white tears instead of water, is a great way to upcycle your own ludicrousness!

Get some Tupperware ready to collect those tears, because here you go: You being Irish or Italian (especially if you’re pale as paper) doesn’t mean the same thing as it did a century ago. It’s not like people who are interviewing you for a job see your red hair and ask you how much you drank on St. Patrick’s Day, or see the vowel at the end of your last name and suspiciously ask if you stole their spaghetti. It’s just not the same. Groundskeeper Willie and Fat Tony are NOT the same as Apu. Period.

(By the way, before you shout “YOU DON’T KNOW! Someone asked me if my family was in the Mafia/IRA one time and it really hurt my feelings!” I am Irish AND Italian. It’s seriously not the same.)

4. Artisan basil-Earl Grey “I don’t have cookies for you!” cookies

Ingredients: 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter; 3/4 cup brown sugar; 3/4 cup white sugar; 2 eggs, 2 1/4 cups AP flour; 1/4 tsp salt; chocolate chips; 2 springs Basil; 2 tbs Earl Grey tea; a dash of superiority; white tears to taste

Have you been standing up for marginalized communities for years? Do you delight in dragging other white women, “reclaiming your time,” and refusing to educate them because you’re so on the other team? I have some good news and bad news. The bad news? You’re still white.

Yep. No matter how much you’ve done for marginalized communities, it’s still in part up to you to try and dismantle white supremacy. PART of that is calling people out (like this awesome Oakland woman). But part of it is also educating people when they make mistakes so that POC won’t be injured in the future. As great as it might feel to be that “better white person,” it doesn’t mean much if you’re so busy dogpiling that you fail to do the thing you’ve set out to do. Remember, those white ladies who voted for Trump? They are still the skeleton in our closet.

Feeling some tears coming on? Enjoy them in your delicious “I don’t have the cookies” cookies! Mmmm … nice and moist!

5. The decoupage white feelings vision board

Decoupage mix: 20 parts Mod Podge, 1 part white tears

After all of this, are you wondering what you can do with those White Tears long-term? After all, we need to start working on reigning them in, not using them against BIPOC and centering ourselves less. But, how do we figure out how to do that? The answer? A “Decoupage your white feelings” vision board! With a few drops of white tears in a jar of Mod Podge, you can plan your future of dropping less white bullshit in your very own VISION BOARD!

I know what you’re thinking: but can’t I just keep acknowledging my privilege with no real effort to change that system? Well, no. Sure, that’s step one. But, much like any anonymous group, admitting you have a problem is just the beginning. What’s next is a lifetime. You will make mistakes. You will probably fuck up and handle some of those mistakes badly. You will likely deliver poorly-conceived hot takes on things that are completely out of your lane when you think you’ve made a little progress. You may lose friends, and it might be your fault.

Overwhelmed? Tell it to the vision board, friend-O! What’s next is forever.


Notes from the author: if you like, please click the clapping doobly-doo and share!

If you feel inclined to read more from me, you can find my “hilarious” cancer survival tale here, my Nancy Drew Review Project on Blogger and my writing in fiction form in Suspense Magazine and The Sleuth. Also, follow me on Instagram, and also Twitter even though it’s garbage.

Thanks for reading!

The Hit Job

humor | culture | football | trouble

The Ranty Librarian

Written by

Librarian, writer and cancer survivor. Also, wanted in five states for grand theft sandwich (sshhhhhhh!)

The Hit Job

humor | culture | football | trouble

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