Ex-presidents must be exempt from bad hair days, says Gym Jordan
As the old saying goes, “politics makes strange bedfellows.” But when politics makes for strange bedhead, well that’s just going too far. Rep. Jim Jordan, the pride of Ohio, is here to say no to cowlicks, rogue curls and stray strands for a certain class of politician.
Jordan, a Republican congressman from Ohio, has proposed a new bill that would exempt all current and former U.S. presidents from ever having a bad hair day. That’s right, folks — no matter what the weather is like or how much they toss and turn in bed at night, our commanders-in-chief will be guaranteed to have perfect hair, always.
According to Jordan, the bill — which he has dubbed the “Presidential Hair Assurance Act” — is a matter of national security. “Look, we all know that a bad hair day can be a real mood-killer,” he said in a recent press conference. “And when you’re the leader of the free world, you can’t afford to be in a bad mood. It’s how ketchup gets splattered on walls, if you know what I mean.”
Jordan’s proposal has garnered a mixed response from both sides of the aisle. Democrats have dismissed it as a frivolous waste of time, the weaponization of the U.S. Congress, a shoddy distraction and evidence of irretrievably dead gray matter, while some Republicans have praised it as a bold and necessary step towards protecting our nation’s top officials. “This is long overdue,” said Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert.” “I said that before she did,” said Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, “and whistles are next!” “You are both too old for me,” said Florida man Matt Gaetz.
More fake quotes really make this point clear: “I mean, come on,” said Sen. Bernie Sanders, a longtime critic of Jordan’s. “This is just ridiculous. We have real problems in this country — healthcare, education, the environment — and this guy wants to spend his time worrying about the former president’s hair? Give me a break.”
Jordan is not only worrying about protecting presidential hair. With Jordan’s current efforts to shield former presidents from the “weaponization” of the justice system, some would argue that Jordan’s proposal is a distraction tactic to divert attention from Gym’s efforts to protect himself from investigation by continuing to pretend he is concerned for the most recent former president’s legal rights, as it becomes more clear that the orange menace will soon be indicted for several crimes. We attempted to contact Rep. Jordan for comment, but he was so far up Donald Trump’s ass he could not be reached.
Tiresomely yet predictably, social media has been buzzing with jokes and memes about Gym’s latest proposal. Some have suggested that the bill should be expanded to cover all politicians, while others have expressed the fear that Jordan’s next proposal will be to require all citizens to wear wigs to prevent bad hair days. “I don’t know why we ever let bonnets go out of style,” said Jordan. “In the real, old America this would not even be necessary. Except that all of our ex-presidents are men, so never mind. I don’t know why I even brought that up. Oooh. Look. Is that a comet?”
It remains to be seen whether the Presidential Hair Assurance Act will gain any traction in Congress. If it does, we can all rest easy knowing that our presidents will never have to suffer the indignity of a bad hair day again. Thank you, Jim Jordan, for your tireless dedication to our country’s most pressing issues. And for your relentless pursuit of not holding criminal actors or hairy craniums to any accountability. You are the gold standard for the Republican Party. Do not let anyone tell you you have been usurped by George Santos. You remain slightly more believable.
