Report: Kyrie Irving trade took so long because he claims not to have a skeleton

Routine physical examination delayed by conspiracy theory

A recent leak from the Boston Celtics medical team has revealed that Isaiah Thomas’s hip wasn’t the only thing slowing down the NBA’s most recent blockbuster trade.

In the closing minutes of Game 1 of the 2015 NBA finals, Kyrie Irving sustained a fractured left knee. Or at least that’s how it was reported by the media.

According to an anonymous source, when this injury was mentioned to Irving by Celtics front office staff during a physical examination, the young point guard had a different opinion of what happened.

Unfortunately, no audio of the meeting was recorded, but sources say Irving went on a ten minute rant about mainstream physiotherapy, apparently giving rise to worries within the Celtics camp that he wouldn’t take the future advice of their medical team seriously.

When the subject came up in a recent appearance on the Road Trippin’ with RJ & Channing podcast, Irving had this to say:

Irving
I know people are going to kill me for this, but I just don’t see the evidence. It’s like … when you’re growing up, skeletons are one of the things you’re most scared of. I don’t know about you guys, but for me it was killer clowns, skeletons, and falling off the edge of the world. In that order. What’s the old movie where the guy has a sword fight with all those skeletons that come out of the ground?

RJ
… Jason and the Astronauts?

Irving
Yeah, that’s it. That scene really stayed with me. Anyway, who wasn’t scared of skeletons? Then they tell you there’s one inside you? Like, seriously? I’m not buying it. They just want to make you feel bad about yourself.

Channing
Who’s they?

Irving
Probably the American Medical Association, but maybe the CIA. Or NASA.


After the podcast appearance, Kyrie used a dynamic map comprised of imagery taken from a series of satellites moving in geosynchronous orbit aROUND the earth to help him find his way home. He did so with no sense of irony whatsoever.