Sneak peek at Steven Spielberg’s Indiana Jones 5 / West Side Story project
Steven Spielberg is a busy guy, what with “award season” promotion for The Post and “grab all the money from the game geeks” promotion for Ready Player One and rebooting Amazing Stories and probably emailing his family once in a while. This has caused a bit of a time crunch regarding his next two projects, Indiana Jones 5 and West Side Story.
As a result, the renowned director is considering combining the two into a single epic musical — West Side Indy.
(Author’s note: if you are not a rabid fan of sixty-year-old musicals and/or did not grow up with a mother who insisted on playing the West Side Story soundtrack during 75% of her waking hours, no hard feelings if you bail here.)
(Camera pans a vast expanse of desert, stopping on an active archaeological dig. There is a leather recliner well off to the side, from which Harrison Ford — clad in striped boxers, a flannel bath robe, and his Indiana Jones hat — slowly rises. He begins to sing, to the tune of I Feel Pretty from West Side Story …)
Want more Indy?
One more Indy?
They’ll say “did he … get this Indy … right?”
Filled with ditties
Sure to cause the OG fans to fight.
This is funner
Than Blade Runner
Quick draw gunner, Ark hunter, am I
But I wonder
Is it time to let Indy die?
What’s the awful fate for our hero here?
What sort of disaster will it be?
Thrown out of a plane?
Trick exploding vest?
Vengeful old Naziiiiiis?
Killed off Solo
Oh well, YOLO
That’s how it goes, why should Jones survive?
Is it worth
Gearing up to do number five?
It’s been ten years
Now my worst fears
Are of dentures, blood pressure, not snakes
If one bit me
I’m so crusty that its fangs would break.
I can still whip
Despite my bad hip
You’ll be foiled when I uncoil and … CRACK!
Wait a minute …
That noise just may have been my back.
Making Indy 5 just got clear to me —
Think how big that paycheck will be!
Sure I’ll break some bones
But I’ll pay off loans
Indiana Jones —
Take my chances
My accountant just dances for joy!
Plus big bucks
From the Funko, bobblehead toooooooy!