Sneak peek at Steven Spielberg’s Indiana Jones 5 / West Side Story project

“I’ll wear it one more time … if I can sing.”

Steven Spielberg is a busy guy, what with “award season” promotion for The Post and “grab all the money from the game geeks” promotion for Ready Player One and rebooting Amazing Stories and probably emailing his family once in a while. This has caused a bit of a time crunch regarding his next two projects, Indiana Jones 5 and West Side Story.

As a result, the renowned director is considering combining the two into a single epic musical — West Side Indy.

(Author’s note: if you are not a rabid fan of sixty-year-old musicals and/or did not grow up with a mother who insisted on playing the West Side Story soundtrack during 75% of her waking hours, no hard feelings if you bail here.)

(Camera pans a vast expanse of desert, stopping on an active archaeological dig. There is a leather recliner well off to the side, from which Harrison Ford — clad in striped boxers, a flannel bath robe, and his Indiana Jones hat — slowly rises. He begins to sing, to the tune of I Feel Pretty from West Side Story …)

Want more Indy?

One more Indy?

They’ll say “did he … get this Indy … right?”

Filled with ditties

Sure to cause the OG fans to fight.

This is funner

Than Blade Runner

Quick draw gunner, Ark hunter, am I

But I wonder

Is it time to let Indy die?

What’s the awful fate for our hero here?

What sort of disaster will it be?

Thrown out of a plane?

Trick exploding vest?

Rabid crocodile?

Vengeful old Naziiiiiis?

Killed off Solo

Oh well, YOLO

That’s how it goes, why should Jones survive?

Is it worth

Gearing up to do number five?

It’s been ten years

Now my worst fears

Are of dentures, blood pressure, not snakes

If one bit me

I’m so crusty that its fangs would break.

I can still whip

Despite my bad hip

You’ll be foiled when I uncoil and … CRACK!

Wait a minute …

That noise just may have been my back.

Making Indy 5 just got clear to me —

Think how big that paycheck will be!

Sure I’ll break some bones

But I’ll pay off loans

Indiana Jones

My security!

Take my chances

Big advances!

My accountant just dances for joy!

Plus big bucks

From the Funko, bobblehead toooooooy!

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